Jack's Diary - A Time of Sorrow - Day 48

     Even in the aftermath of victory, there is far too much sorrow to smile and far too much to explain, to reflect upon, to reexamine, to wonder, and to write then any man ever could, and on one of the most holy days on the planet. I suppose I should start from the beginning.

     As much as I wanted to go to sleep, I didn’t want to leave Jess at the wheel since she might make a wrong turn or something could happen (I’m not a jerk who thinks women drivers are bad. She’s still young so she doesn’t have as much experience in life). The main reason I couldn’t sleep was because of the woman I let ride with us. She sat in complete silence with her hands in her lap looking straight ahead. I thought I’d try and learn something about her. I looked at her through the rearview mirror.

     "So, uh, I never asked. What’s your name?" I said.

     "I don't know,” she answered.

     "How can you not know?" I asked.

     "I don't remember much."

     I'm not a doctor, but I had a diagnosis.

     "Can you remember anything at all?"

     She took a moment before answering, "I remember approaching you before we left in the car."

     It seemed like a very strange time for her memory to start working again. She couldn't have just appeared out of no where. She must have had memories before. The only logical conclusions are that she has amnesia, she's repressing her memories or she lying, but I don't detect a conspiracy. She acts innocent so she just may be innocent.

     "You can't walk around without a name. What would you like to be called?" I asked.

     "Hmmmmm, I don't know. You pick a name for me."

     I was going to argue with her on this since naming is a very important decision, but I felt it wouldn't have done any good.

     "How about Ann?"

     "Okay," she answered with a smile.

     Afterwards, I properly introduced myself, Jess, and Victor. She seemed very interested in me. She kept asking me questions, like what were hobbies and dreams, what was my family like, and where did I learn all my skills with weapons. It was strange, yet flattering that someone would take an interest in me. I might even call it obsessed, but it's too early to tell.

     I eventually took over driving to let Jess sleep. I've never driven a car up to that point, but we all have to start somewhere (at least we didn't get into any crashes). Ann also fell asleep. Since we were using a car, we had to stay on the roads so we had to take the long way to the church, but I figured it'd be much safer and faster. The only real danger was swerving to miss the occasional soulless standing in the road like a stunned deer (in fact, I almost hit one of those as well). I'm glad the car had a full battery because the high beams got a lot of use. Even when I needed sleep, I managed to stay awake. The world looks so much better when its imperfections are hidden in darkness. No broken windows in houses we passed, no bodies on the ground, no foreboding words of warning to other survivors; just a darkened world where beautiful and hideous sights hide like children in the dark. Besides, there's not that much beauty in the world right now anyways.

     Night came and went. The other three woke up at different times.

     "Merry Christmas," said Jess.

     "Huh, it's Christmas?"

     "Yah, it's Christmas! Didn't you know?"

     "Are you sure?" I asked.

     She pulled out a small calendar she had with everyday marked off up to December 25.

     "Alright, if you say so. Merry Christmas."

     I continued to drive until we reached the church. By this time, Victor could walk just fine. Just pulling up to the church (ironic that we'd meet here on Christmas), I could see that part of it had collapsed. We exited the car and walked toward the entrance when I found a small note under an empty handgun clip telling us to go across the street to the other building. We headed there when I noticed Ann wasn't with us. We found her sleeping in the car and just decided to leave her there for now. 

     The building had a rotten smell and it was extremely filthy though at the least the walls were solid. We searched the room one at a time; in a few of them, finding partially eaten food and other supplies Mike and Lexi didn't leave with, indicating that there are other survivors in the area. We were on the second floor when we heard a gunshot followed by the sound of smashing glass (and a body falling passed a nearby window). We rushed up to the third floor, but it was too late. Mike was crying over a dead Lexi. 

     "Mike..." I said.

     He walked away and sat in the corner crying and screaming. We checked the third floor just in case there was anyone else. There wasn't. I approached Lexi's body; a bullet through her head. Her eyes were still open so I closed them.

     For some reason, I had this belief, this feeling that none of us would die. After all the danger we encountered and survived, I began to believe this more and more. Perhaps it was just a hope, the hope I would never have to lose anyone again. Although Lexi and I weren't extremely close, I feel sorrowful and I look back on all the choices we made. I even began to examine the scenarios, such as what if she stayed with Victor, Jess, and me? Would she had survived? Would Mike had died? I stopped myself, knowing these thoughts and feelings already from the death I've seen. It accomplishes nothing regretting your choices, especially when dealing with uncertainty. None of us could have foreseen or would have wished this. And Mike, the man who looked over Lexi like a brother, who was closer to her than any of us (and who loved her to point where he'd die for her), is now in pieces. 

     I really didn't know what to say to Mike. I told Jess to watch the car to make sure Ann doesn't wake up and wander off. I went down to one of the bottom floors and got two blankets. I laid it by Lexi's body and asked Victor to leave so I could talk to Mike. He did so, but I couldn't think of anything to say. Mike was still sitting in the corner with his hands up to face, facing the wall. I sat a foot's distance anyway from him. 

     "I'm sorry," I said.

     "You were right, Jack. We should've never left," he said. "If we would've stayed back at the base, Lexi would still be alive. It's my fault."

     "You can't blame yourself for this..."

     "It's my fault! He shot her right in front of me and I couldn't save her!"

     I waited and thought for a moment.

     "You're right. It is your fault." Mike looked back at me. "You brought her on this trip in the first place, right? How many times did you place her in danger by trusting her to help?" At this point, Mike had stood up. "You didn't care about her at all, did you?"

     "You take that back!" he yelled.

     "What? Does the truth hurt? She was a brat anyways."

     I won't get into the details, but we got into a fist fight. I could have dodged more and punched more than I did, but I chose not to. I wanted him to stand up and fight me. I wanted him to feel alive, to release his anger. At some point, I pinned him to the ground.

     "Do you want to hurt me, Mike? Why? What exactly are you fighting me for? I agreed with what you told me. The fact is although you blame yourself, you know you did everything you could to save her." He stopped trying to get up, "You saved her countless times before, I'm sure of it. She meant everything to you, but you need to understand that this world is a cruel place! There's death around every corner and the bottom line is that it isn't fair! It's not fair at all and there nothing to be done, but move on!" I got off Mike. He just laid on the floor like a dying fish. "I know you feel empty and horrible right now. I felt the same way after Jane was killed and you're going to feel that way for a long time, but you have to keep going."

     "What's the point?" he asked.

     "What was the point before? You want to help people, to help the base, and to preserve life. Lexi is dead, but please, don't die with her. She wouldn't want that."

     Mike stared at the ceiling for a while, not looking at me at all.

     "Our next move is yours. Right now though, we're going to bury Lexi's body. I hope you'll help, but I'd understand," I said.

     I walked out and got Victor. We moved Lexi's body and then wrapped her up in the blankets (double wrapping her head) so the blood didn't leak out. Once we were done, we both carried her out. Mike wasn't getting up when we were leaving. Jess followed us out. I could see Victor and Jess crying a little on our way out. We put her down on the first floor while I went to check out the back of the church. Surprisingly, there was a small cemetery in the back (I think it was mainly for nuns, but I'm sure they wouldn't mind the company). On my way back, I woke up Ann and brought her inside the building. We then marched to the cemetery carrying Lexi's body and watching out for soulless. We didn't have any digging utensils so I suggested that we pile rocks onto of the body as a means of burying her. There were plenty of broken pieces from the church to use. We buried her near the church wall so we could use the wall as the headstone. With a knife, Victor carved her name, and date of birth and death. Jess found some wild flowers to lay onto the grave. Ann had never meant Lexi, but still seemed to have a solemn mood about her upon realizing the event. I wish I knew how to give a blessing like the preachers did at funerals. All I could do is recite what I knew of Psalm 23 and that passage from Ecclesiastes (I don't know what religion Lexi had, but I sure a good prayer of any kind can't hurt). Even I couldn't help, but shed a tear as I approached the end of the psalm. Everyone was saying their last goodbyes when Mike arrived. We left him alone with her to say goodbye. It feels like the entire world, even the soulless, have stopped just for today, whether it be for Christmas or the death of a child. Either way, the memory of sorrow is instilled in this day and will always remain.

- Jack's Diary