I was tired
and kept falling asleep during the drive. My dreams replayed my murders before.
After seeing these sights so many times, I no longer feel remorse or fear of
them; now, when I wait I fear what I’ve become. I haven’t had a fit of murderous
rage come over me for a while now, probably because I’m venting through my
conscious actions. There’s too much about myself that I don’t understand, but I
know I don’t want to be some life taker; there’s no reward or happy endings for
such human beings.
I can
barely move my left arm now without it feeling like something was going to
tear. I can out a piece of cloth from the bottom of my tent to make a mesh (I’ll
deal with the hole later). My leg is feeling good. While I was in and out of
consciousness, Ann took the bullet out of my leg and patched it up. I didn’t
feel a thing. It seems she does have her uses after all (and how strange that
she now suddenly remember now when others had worse injuries before). I’ m not
going to debate this though. She did something good.
We’ve
gotten pretty far today, at least I think. My eyes weren’t open for most of it.
With Mike, Victor, and I still recovering from injuries, the older kids took up
the responsibility of guarding our camp. Mike took the guns off them and gave
them melee weapons; understandable, no need to bring attention to ourselves
(Also, night’s approaching and I wouldn’t want one of the kids stupidly
shooting themselves in the foot). I could still do stuff and I felt fine. It
was just my arm that worried me. It’s numb and ugly looking. I really hope it
heals up (though I doubt it will ever be the same).
Mike
thanked me and said if it weren’t for me, all six of us would be dead. I can’t
take credit for that since it was a group effort and we were lucky. I don’t
think I’ve ever heard of a team of six taking down an army (with the help of
some kids). It’s a story you’d find in Greek mythology or the newest action
movie… when they still made them. Had the Valors been smart, they would’ve put
distance between us and them (that would be my reaction if someone was pointing
a turret at me). They couldn’t bear to leave their home behind even when they
knew it was doomed. I despised the Valors, but at the same time, I admired them
in some respect. I wish my friends at the Hill ‘d done that. We had a better
chance of winning and even if we were defeated, I would die happy, knowing we
did our best. I should stop talking about the Hill; it’s gone though I can’t
say the same for the memories; the same kinds of memories I hope to see again
someday.
Afterwards,
Julie randomly hugged Mike, thanking him (it’s not like I did anything to
help). He didn’t hug her back at first. He looked up at me, expecting an
answer. I couldn’t see why not, so I thought it was weird that he’d look to me.
As far as I’m concerned, with the Valor’s main base destroyed, Julie’s free to
do what she pleases and we don’t have to push her away anymore. I left them
alone since it was a nice moment between them. I actually a little concerned for
Mike; he’s built his purpose around protecting and caring for someone and I’ve
seen first hand what happens to him when the person dies. What’s going to
happen WHEN Julie dies? (There’s no question since we all will die, but will it
be after Mike’s dead?). It’s never good to build your life around something
that will fade; that’s why it’s so hard to find meaning and purpose in life. Nearly
everything falls to pieces eventually and once its gone, there’s no getting it
back; we’re then left to find something else. I just hope he doesn’t let his
memories of Lexi slip away. It’s not right to forget someone you once cared
about.
I’d said my
purpose is looking after Mike and everyone else, but this isn’t enough. We’re
all going to die some day and when we leave this world, it’ll still be a
nightmare. I’ve come up with a plan to start wiping out the soulless population
of the Earth and I’m going to need help. I decided I’d tell Mike once we got
back to base (this also gives me more time to think the plan through).
Ann came
into my tent and sat beside me. There was a lot of activity going on outside
and she chose to visit me; it was a nice gesture. I kept staring out the tent
flap expecting to see a group of men charging at our camp. I can’t and don’t
believe we killed all the Valors: would they let us go and move on? Residents
from the other base I helped destroy hunted me for days. I don’t fear the
Valors; I fear they will take me by surprise. I fear that my arm will never get
better. I just don’t feel right. Let's just move on.
- Jack’s Diary
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