Jack's Diary - Winners, Losers, Loser - Day 63

     I have to stop thinking about it. I have to stop writing about it. I just have to accept that I'll have one arm for now on. If I can move it again one day that be great. I'd really be happy. Too bad life doesn't work out that way especially for the sinful. For as many people as I've killed, I probably deserve much worse than just a useless arm as punishment. I'm writing about it again.
     After the doctor appointment, I went back to my room and slept. It was nearly completely dark by the time I woke up. It felt like I hadn't gotten any sleep even though I'd been out for at least 8 hours. Sad sleep is never refreshing.
     I walked outside. The night was quiet save for the distant conversations of the men, women, and children chatting in the darkness. In the faces of the people I passed, there was happiness, sadness, anger, confusion, concern, boredom, and in a few rare occurrences, dreams. They all lived and worked to survive and without knowing the first thing about all these people, I knew that they were healthy for the most part and if they weren't happy now, they would be eventually. There was movement in the even farther shadows of the base, far enough away for me to only see the shifting degrees of darkness, movements that are hidden for good reason most likely (if you know what I mean). I was oblivious to others thought of me when they saw my face. everyone is oblivious, but I couldn't even conjurer my own expectations of their thought processes. There was just too much going on and too many distractions in my head. This walk that I had hoped would treat my sadness has made thinking unbearable. Is it fair? It doesn't seem fair. Life isn't fair. You win, you lose, you win, you lose. Even when you win, it always gets taken back at some point and you die a loser (though dying a winner doesn't sound too good either).
     I was still tried so I went back to my room. I haven't seen any of my friends since I got back. I wondered what they're doing? Probably using their right and left arms. Probably hugging people, lifting heavy objects, and giving each other high 10s. I didn't fee like eating right now. I don't even feel like writing, but I feel I must. I said that I'd stop writing about it.  I just can't stop thinking about my arm. I lay down in my bed and cool myself with the frown from the smiling walls. Dreams are setting in...

- Jack's Diary