Jack's Diary - Death to Illusion - Day 84

*Morning*

            Death shouldn’t be celebrated, not even the death of an enemy. Smiled upon, perhaps, as death’s just another form of leaving, but what lies beyond is uncertain so we can’t be too sure what we’re celebrating. Someone leaving is the saddest and the most enduring part of life. Friends, family, acquaintances, and lovers, they all leave or you do and when it’s them, you either live alone or find new ones, but the memories of them are a constant haunt and forever foreshadow and remind you of what is to come.

            I could’ve sworn I was somewhere else after the fight. Somewhere dark, in a prison cell or a hotel room; the kind of staleness you’d expect in a place where it is kept clean, yet to only a minimal degree to create sterile smell of fumes and cigarette smoke. Anyways, yesterday I experienced what I can only assume was a seizure or a stroke. The outside view of the world disappeared and turned to white. I then saw a large open grassy field on top of a landscape of gentle, rolling hills, with it all surrounded by mountains. Nearby a small cabin, plain in sight yet rural and made well, whose property was fenced in by a long small fence that extended three times the cabin’s length. Ann was standing off a ways in a white dress. Without a second thought to my weakened state, I stood up and walked toward her without any trouble. I stopped five feet away. She looked at me indifferently, as if she didn’t know what to say. For once, I knew I was dreaming; no one could make me forget that she was dead.

            “Seems you won,” she said solemnly.

            “I thought once I killed you, you wouldn’t haunt my dreams anymore,” I told her.

            “Not unless you want to see me.”

            “I don’t!”

            Ann came forward quickly, as if floating across the ground, and put her hand to my chest. I could feel my rib cage being pulled forward, my heartbeat becoming weaker, and my attempts to pull in more air all being in vain. Her dress turned dark red.

            “You listen to me! I could’ve killed you 100 times over, 1000 times at any time: while you walked, while you ate, and while you slept. I could’ve killed you in our fight had I’d been using all my abilities, but I decided I’d fight on your terms, at your level because I wanted to test myself, show that I didn’t need any tricks to deal with you, but I was wrong! Even now, I could still kill you in your dreams and the shock would stop your heart, but I won’t!”

            She took her hand away and I fell, trying to regain my breath. She turned her back to me and walked a ways away, her dress returning to white.

            “Of course, I’m not so petty as to kill someone out of revenge, especially in this case where I no longer walk the Earth. I should leave a legacy. You and I are, after all, the same.”

            “I’m nothing like you.”

            “Then why do you kill? Despite your reasons for killing, you still kill, even when there are other options available. You care only for survival, for security, even if that means death just as I sought entertainment even if it was at the expense of others. Tell me, just how many would you be willing to kill to live here?” I’m ashamed to say that my first thought was disturbing. I was going to answer that question with a number as if it were nothing, slightly lowering it in my mind as if I were considering how much money to spend at a store. I noticed that her appearance became slightly transparent as she was speaking. “Soon, my psyche will fade from your consciousness, but it seems my influence will remain.”

             She turned to face me and stared at me, saying nothing else as she faded into nothing. She was smiling the whole time. Soon after, everything turned to black and I woke up (or rather the problem I’d been having ceased enough for me to regain consciousness). I couldn’t shake it. She was right about me. I thought that her death would be the end of the nightmares I was plagued with. I was wrong; her death woke me up to the fact that my life is a nightmare. I don’t know what to do from here now. Until I find what I should do, I’ll just go through the motions and do what I’ve always have.

            This morning I could at least walked, but not much else. I looked around for my equipment, it was scattered throughout the area from the fight. I found most of the knives, my gun (which I loaded and kept with me in case soulless were to show up), and machete. I piled my stuff next to Ann’s head. The eyes were still open on it. None of us were really talking to each other.

*Afternoon*

           

            We were all well enough to go back to where we had that “showdown” with the large number of people. Problem is, we couldn’t tell who was who. The fire had spread from the trees to the ground below and scorched the bodies, making identifying them near impossible. Mike wasn’t happy with this aspect and wanted to know, looking at each and every face to find some sign, some indication of who they were. Julie only looked at a few faces before walking off and puking, probably from the disgusting sight of burnt bodies. Looking over it all, the body count was unbelievable. Despite Ann’s manipulation, we killed all those people, not her. We killed her followers and looking back, I never saw her kill anyone, not even when she traveled with us. She could’ve killed hundreds of thousands of people and yet in the time I knew her, I did all the killing. She taunted, teased, and pushed me into a conflict with her and this was the result: nearly 100 innocent lives lost to kill one person (or thing). Maybe if I’d never gone after her, this wouldn’t have happened.

            We gathered up our supplies and headed back to where Julie had built a fire. Oh, before that, I went off by myself to look for the bodies of Jane and Duke (at least, I think it was them). I did find two bodies, but like the others, they were burnt and were beyond identifying. I’m glad that the fire didn’t burn down the whole forest or we would be dead. It makes me wonder why it stopped though. Backfire, maybe?

*Night*

            Ann. Just who or what she was, I’ll never know, but I know I don’t want to write about her again. There’s no need to take her head with me as a reminder; I couldn’t forget even if I wanted to. I picked her head by the hair, closed the eyes, and dropped it into the fire. Mike and Julie asked me why? I told them I wanted to watch it burn and I did. I watched the skin turn red, then dark red, and then black. I watched until there was nothing left, but the skull. They both watched for a while, but looked away after a while. I think they were asking me something, trying to talk with me while I watched, but I didn’t listen or answer. The fire was just too good to do anything else. Tomorrow, we’re headed back. To what, I don’t know.

- Jack's Diary