Jack's Diary - Day 45

     As Mike drove us in the RV, he suddenly apologized for calling me a monster. I can't say whether or not I was expecting or not expecting that moment to ever be brought up again. I let the accusation involving Jess slip by seeing as even I would question friends in times of uncertainty and now Mike tried to apologize for what he said. I held no hard feeling against him though being called the same derogatory name by a friend that an enemy called me was not a comfort. I also addressed Mike's habit of going out alone and I really hope that it doesn't happen again. As kind as it is to want no harm to come to others, Mike's not a stranger to any of us and none of us would just move on with our lives if he never came back unless we were sure he was dead.
     Anyways, while we were talking, Mike didn't see the soulless with a large sword for an arm in the road and yelled for him to watch out. He dodged it, but at the price of the RV flipping over (I kind of pictured a cutter attack happening to us. It's strange how things work out). Mike took the handgun I had out and ran outside to distract the soulless (I know this because a few handgun bullets to the face of this specific soulless wouldn't kill it and Mike knew this as well). I unbuckled myself and went over to Jess who had a bloody mark on her forehead and appeared to be in a daze. While I unbuckled her and helped her outside, Victor had already unbuckled himself and was helping Lexi out. Once everyone was outside, I looked around for Mike and I only saw the soulless walking into the woods.
     "Where's Mike," asked Lexi.
     "Be patient. He'll be back soon." I answered. I looked at the RV and I knew that we weren't going to be driving it again: there was no way for us to flip it back over, even with all five of us and gasoline was leaking out of it.
     "Victor, let's get our stuff out of the RV. You two stay here and keep a look out for anything that moves and Jess, make sure Lexi doesn't leave."
     Out of the corner of my eye, I'm pretty sure I saw Lexi give me an angry grin. When we got everything out, Mike was already running back. We continued down the road on foot.
     Mike and the others set up camp and in a near instant, everything seemed to go awry. Victor brought a ukulele and Jess sang some pop song that I didn't recognize, but hated anyway (I was tempted to tell both of them to shut up and keep quiet so as to not attract unwanted attention, but I didn't because I didn't want to be a jerk. I still kept a look out for danger). Mike was busy writing and for some reason unknown to me, Lexi started a conversation (on a bad note).
     "You don't trust me, do you?" she asked.
     "Should I?"
     "You treat me like a little kid. You asked Jess to make sure I didn't leave. I'm not a kid."
     "I never said you were, but that's not the point. The fact is your safety is important to Mike so that means your safety is important to me and Mike probably would've said the same thing."
     "No, he wouldn't."
     "That's because he knows you better than I do," I said.
     "Yah, that's true... how did you two meet?"
     "He saved my life," I answered.
     "How'd he do that?"
     I could've kept giving her short responses, but I had a feeling she wanted to know the whole story. I paused for a few seconds, hoping to find the words to explain the story in the least horrible way.
     "I was escorting someone back to their father. We had just lost a group who was hunting us and  we were about to head out of the city when we were cornered. Just before they got me, Mike threw some molotov cocktails at the group of soulless that had encircled us, opening up a gap for me to escape. My acquaintances weren't as lucky."
     "Weren't they your friends?"
     "I don't think I could call them that. Jane, the one I was trying to get back to her father, spent most of her time talking and cozying up to a guy named Tim so we never got to know either of them and the other one, Duke, is partially responsible for everyone for his and Jane's death. Then again, I should have never let him travel with me."
     "I'm sorry that happened. At least you have friends now."
     "True....... for now."
     The conversation kind of drifted off at that point. I could see it in her face that she was sad for me and that I'd ruined her night so I changed the subject.
     "Do you want to hear about the first and best base I helped built?"
     She looked up with intrigue and I told her about the Hill: all of the things we, the members and I, invented, the battles we fought, and the grand base we built. There was a nearby town so once we were settle, we took what we wished and arrange it as we wished. We even managed to build an additional building near the ones that were already standing when we arrived. I dodged the question as to why I wasn't there and in the end, I lied to keep her disposition from going sour. I told her I left to find another base to assist others. I changed the conversation to anything else, but after that, I wasn't paying attention (luckily, we weren't attacked).
     I don't usually lie, but if only lies were true. If only the Hill was still around, things would be different. Perhaps not better, but different. At least if I stayed at the Hill, all the death I was involved with may have never taken place. Jane and Tim would still be back at their base, the bases and bases' residents would still be intact, and Duke would still be cowering in the back of a store. I must have killed nearly 100 people and the only good thing to come of killing in large numbers was saving Mike and that old man. It felt wrong and strange to consciously and knowingly kill people when I first started, but now, nothing in my mind changes. From the force of a stab to the pulling of a trigger; it's all as natural as breathing. While Lexi lays asleep tonight, I lay on the cold ground pondering my actions and persona; who am I? Even the faces of those whose death I had a part in no longer torment me. They now turn away in grief, believing that nothing can be done for my life. Even Jane's screams grow silent and the fire darkens, like a campfire burning out. On the night when everyone seemed happy and at peace, I am sorrowful and conflicted. I am not frighten though. I am concerned.
     In the morning, we rose, packed up our supplies and continued down the road.

- Jack's Diary