Jack's Diary - Until That Time - Day 86

*Early Morning*

            I don’t care what Moses thinks. It wasn’t my fault. What was I suppose to tell them when I had that first dream? I wasn’t even sure if all that stuff happening it was real. They would’ve told me it was just a dream or worse, locked me up for fear I’d gone nuts. Of all the things Ann could’ve done, that had to be her last act. To stand back and watch us kill each other. What the hell am I writing her name for still? Never again! No more!

            What puzzles me is why Moses was left alone. He woke up and everyone was gone. Why was he spared? (Maybe as an insurance policy in case “she” failed, Moses might have killed me, especially if Mike had been killed).

            We got up early and are about to continue to head for the Grand Oak River. Still no sign of Jess and Victor.

*Noon*

            Right now, I’m sitting up in a tree, still not in a 100 percent condition. Had I been previous, there would’ve been no contest in that fight with (just a series of punches and kicks I dodged and landed on him). Now we’re resting. All of my grenades and flash grenades are gone, but luckily, there was some ammo left over at the tree fort and our stop there allowed me to bring my other non-essential stuff along, like books (I left them there, expecting to come back if my mission was successful. Had I not, someone else would get them). I hope we’ll stop in a town again some day; it’d give me a chance to restock and make some more weapons.

            I’ve been thinking about that story. She said Carol had been a lab rat for a company. She couldn’t have been the only test subject; human testing labs always have more than one to more firmly establish that the test results apply to everyone and not just the test subject, even in extremely risky cases (you never want someone to question the results of your research because that could mean starting all over again). The thought of more nutcases isn’t comforting, but it’s possible the other subjects weren’t bitten, were killed, or they reacted differently than her (whose to say if that story is even real). If it is though, I’d like to find this company. Developing a substance to change the nature and jobs of cells is not an easy thing to do. Perhaps there’s more to the experiments and the company itself.

            Everyone’s quiet, probably thinking about Victor and Jess. Would you think less of me if I told you I didn’t care if they were alive? I don’t know why, I just don’t feel sad or worried. I wouldn’t abandon them and I’d lay down my lives for them, but I don’t miss them. I just don’t feel… anything.

*Afternoon*

            We reached it, Grand Oak River. Honestly, not really that grand. There was a flat rock outcropping, like a small cliff, eight feet tall next to the river bank. I was going to suggest we make a camp on it, but it would take considerable work to pitch and anchor a tent on a rock. After everything was set up, I got on top of the rock and looked out. There was something, like a town or city in the very far distance. Nothing else, but trees and birds.

            I went out and gathered some plants and berries. Many plants take advantage of the river water so vegetation was not in short supply. I also managed to catch two large frogs (one I speared by throwing a knife. I actually didn’t think it would work). I spent most of the afternoon cooking the frogs. Everyone tried it though I don’t know if they liked it.

            I’m starting to get a little concerned. I keep getting these migraines. They’re not extremely bad, but I never had them this often. I didn’t even notice them when they started, until they became a regular occurrence. I guess it’s kind of selfish for me to be thinking of myself at this time

*Evening*

            I’m on lookout right now with Mike. I’m thinking about things again. I can’t help, but ponder the line between right and wrong, for myself especially. There’s still no sign of Jess and Victor.

*Night*

            I just finished my lookout time with Mike. I now sit atop the rock and write this. The night’s quiet save for the sound of rushing waters and night creatures. There haven’t been many soulless bothering us. It’s funny, I used to always write about the soulless I encountered and killed. Now, I hardly mention them at all. Their intrusion has become a norm like eating and sleeping so much that I could kill 10 without even thinking twice. Even the faces are beginning to melt into one ugly image in my head.

            I’ve been rethinking my earlier statement, about what happened to everyone. It may just be my fault. It certainly isn’t the fault of those who died. Had I never met Mike and his group, I’d be dead and they never would’ve gotten involved in the matter. She would be alive too, but she probably would’ve found someone else to stalk. All those people, all those lives, every single one of them died because of me and it’s always how it is. No one stays alive for long when they’re around me except for Mike. If Jess and Victor don’t show up then that’ll only go to prove my point further. It’s like I have a grim reaper hovering over my head, pulling my strings and watching time unfold and the death count rise. If I can’t protect anyone then what the hell is the point of living? My entire purpose was centered on the idea that I could preserve lives, save people from a demise they would have met without me. It’s as if I’d help more if I didn’t exist. Maybe I should just spend my time killing soulless? I don’t see how any harm can come of that. Less soulless to bite and bother. If we ever reach another city or town, I might leave then, but not yet. Until that time, I’ll contemplate what to do next.

- Jack's Diary