Jack's Diary - Death to Illusion - Day 84

*Morning*

            Death shouldn’t be celebrated, not even the death of an enemy. Smiled upon, perhaps, as death’s just another form of leaving, but what lies beyond is uncertain so we can’t be too sure what we’re celebrating. Someone leaving is the saddest and the most enduring part of life. Friends, family, acquaintances, and lovers, they all leave or you do and when it’s them, you either live alone or find new ones, but the memories of them are a constant haunt and forever foreshadow and remind you of what is to come.

            I could’ve sworn I was somewhere else after the fight. Somewhere dark, in a prison cell or a hotel room; the kind of staleness you’d expect in a place where it is kept clean, yet to only a minimal degree to create sterile smell of fumes and cigarette smoke. Anyways, yesterday I experienced what I can only assume was a seizure or a stroke. The outside view of the world disappeared and turned to white. I then saw a large open grassy field on top of a landscape of gentle, rolling hills, with it all surrounded by mountains. Nearby a small cabin, plain in sight yet rural and made well, whose property was fenced in by a long small fence that extended three times the cabin’s length. Ann was standing off a ways in a white dress. Without a second thought to my weakened state, I stood up and walked toward her without any trouble. I stopped five feet away. She looked at me indifferently, as if she didn’t know what to say. For once, I knew I was dreaming; no one could make me forget that she was dead.

            “Seems you won,” she said solemnly.

            “I thought once I killed you, you wouldn’t haunt my dreams anymore,” I told her.

            “Not unless you want to see me.”

            “I don’t!”

            Ann came forward quickly, as if floating across the ground, and put her hand to my chest. I could feel my rib cage being pulled forward, my heartbeat becoming weaker, and my attempts to pull in more air all being in vain. Her dress turned dark red.

            “You listen to me! I could’ve killed you 100 times over, 1000 times at any time: while you walked, while you ate, and while you slept. I could’ve killed you in our fight had I’d been using all my abilities, but I decided I’d fight on your terms, at your level because I wanted to test myself, show that I didn’t need any tricks to deal with you, but I was wrong! Even now, I could still kill you in your dreams and the shock would stop your heart, but I won’t!”

            She took her hand away and I fell, trying to regain my breath. She turned her back to me and walked a ways away, her dress returning to white.

            “Of course, I’m not so petty as to kill someone out of revenge, especially in this case where I no longer walk the Earth. I should leave a legacy. You and I are, after all, the same.”

            “I’m nothing like you.”

            “Then why do you kill? Despite your reasons for killing, you still kill, even when there are other options available. You care only for survival, for security, even if that means death just as I sought entertainment even if it was at the expense of others. Tell me, just how many would you be willing to kill to live here?” I’m ashamed to say that my first thought was disturbing. I was going to answer that question with a number as if it were nothing, slightly lowering it in my mind as if I were considering how much money to spend at a store. I noticed that her appearance became slightly transparent as she was speaking. “Soon, my psyche will fade from your consciousness, but it seems my influence will remain.”

             She turned to face me and stared at me, saying nothing else as she faded into nothing. She was smiling the whole time. Soon after, everything turned to black and I woke up (or rather the problem I’d been having ceased enough for me to regain consciousness). I couldn’t shake it. She was right about me. I thought that her death would be the end of the nightmares I was plagued with. I was wrong; her death woke me up to the fact that my life is a nightmare. I don’t know what to do from here now. Until I find what I should do, I’ll just go through the motions and do what I’ve always have.

            This morning I could at least walked, but not much else. I looked around for my equipment, it was scattered throughout the area from the fight. I found most of the knives, my gun (which I loaded and kept with me in case soulless were to show up), and machete. I piled my stuff next to Ann’s head. The eyes were still open on it. None of us were really talking to each other.

*Afternoon*

           

            We were all well enough to go back to where we had that “showdown” with the large number of people. Problem is, we couldn’t tell who was who. The fire had spread from the trees to the ground below and scorched the bodies, making identifying them near impossible. Mike wasn’t happy with this aspect and wanted to know, looking at each and every face to find some sign, some indication of who they were. Julie only looked at a few faces before walking off and puking, probably from the disgusting sight of burnt bodies. Looking over it all, the body count was unbelievable. Despite Ann’s manipulation, we killed all those people, not her. We killed her followers and looking back, I never saw her kill anyone, not even when she traveled with us. She could’ve killed hundreds of thousands of people and yet in the time I knew her, I did all the killing. She taunted, teased, and pushed me into a conflict with her and this was the result: nearly 100 innocent lives lost to kill one person (or thing). Maybe if I’d never gone after her, this wouldn’t have happened.

            We gathered up our supplies and headed back to where Julie had built a fire. Oh, before that, I went off by myself to look for the bodies of Jane and Duke (at least, I think it was them). I did find two bodies, but like the others, they were burnt and were beyond identifying. I’m glad that the fire didn’t burn down the whole forest or we would be dead. It makes me wonder why it stopped though. Backfire, maybe?

*Night*

            Ann. Just who or what she was, I’ll never know, but I know I don’t want to write about her again. There’s no need to take her head with me as a reminder; I couldn’t forget even if I wanted to. I picked her head by the hair, closed the eyes, and dropped it into the fire. Mike and Julie asked me why? I told them I wanted to watch it burn and I did. I watched the skin turn red, then dark red, and then black. I watched until there was nothing left, but the skull. They both watched for a while, but looked away after a while. I think they were asking me something, trying to talk with me while I watched, but I didn’t listen or answer. The fire was just too good to do anything else. Tomorrow, we’re headed back. To what, I don’t know.

- Jack's Diary

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Jack's Diary - Day 38, November 7, 2013

            Although I wasn’t extremely tired from the previous ordeal, I just wanted to go back to my room. I was still surprised that I managed to get Lexi out of there without any harm being done to her. It felt good to succeed, for once.

            When I got back to my room, I think I must have slept for hours yet there was no rest to be found. All I saw when the dreams came upon me was the face and screams of Jane as she was being eaten alive and burned by the raging fire. Even when the memories seem so far away, they loom in my consciousness like a dust cloud that refuses to clear.

            I woke up with my ankle still hurting a little from the day before. I found a message from Mike on the nightstand. Basically, he apologized for making me promise to keep Lexi safe (which I would’ve done anyway), he’s going out alone to gather supplies because the base is running out of supplies, he wants me to meet with his brother Moses to help out, and not to tell Lexi where he went. Although I don’t approve of him leaving the base alone, there’s nothing to be done about it now. These jobs and troubles aren’t things he should be taking on alone. After I’d finished reading, I folded the letter up, put it in my pocket, and went to find Moses. It took me about an hour to find him since I had no idea where to find him or what he looked like. I asked everyone and finally found him. I introduced myself.

            “Oh, so you’re Jack. Glad to meet you,” he said.

            “Mike said that you needed some help with the barricades,” I said.

            “Yes, we could use some help. You can start nailing the wooden boards to the fence over there. Then place the scrap sheet medal overtop.”

            So I went to work. While we were working, I began telling Moses about my ideas to increase supplies and water in the base (rain collector, planting crops, hunting methods and traps, water purification system) as well as some weapons that could be made from materials in the surrounding areas. He listened, but only replied with, “Sounds interesting. I’ll think about it.”

            I was never good at reading people, but I knew that tone in his voice very well. I heard it throughout my life. It was the tone used when people are subtly telling you they either think your ideas are stupid or they just don’t care. I wasn’t about to let the matter go this time.

            “Exactly what’s wrong with the ideas?” I asked.

            “Nothing. They sound great,” using that same tone.

            “You’re right. They are great, but I know you don’t think they are. If you did, you would have already begun making plans to start them.”

            “Priority must come first.”

            “Food and water are a priority.”

            “Safety is the main priority. If we don’t get the walls ready, we could easily be overrun,” he said to me, finally looking away from the wall with a serious tone in his words.

            “No one is ever truly safe. A group of outsiders could easily infiltrate this place with enough firepower and determination. And a large group of soulless could knock down any of these walls given enough time.”

            He paused for a moment; probably trying to figure out what I meant by soulless. “If everything you said is true, then we should focus on defenses. Besides, we have enough food for a few more days and can scavenge for more later.”

            “From where exactly? I haven’t been here long, but you’ve probably already looted the nearby grocery marts and storage buildings. Canned foods don't grow on trees. What are going to do when the surrounding area has been picked dry of food?”

            “We’ll cross that bridge once we get to it,” he said. I began to detect a hint of anger in his voice.

            “By the time you cross that bridge, your people will have starved to death.”

            “That’s enough!” he yelled. “You don’t give the orders around here. We don’t have time to be plowing fields and hunting for animals when at any second, we could all be killed. I suggest you get your priorities straight.”

            “Funny. I was about to say the same thing about you,” I replied.

            Moses took a swing at me, but I blocked it. He was surprised by this, however, the look of distain on his face never went away. “I suggest you stay out of my sight. If you want to plant crops then go start your own base. Until then, you follow my orders. Understand?”

            “You’re a complete fool,” I responded. I then walked away back to the house. There’s no point in building a wall when there could soon be nothing to protect. When Mike gets back, he and I are going to have a talk.

            On my way to my room, I saw Lexi looking in a few of the rooms. I thought it was best just to walk passed her so she wouldn’t ask me anything. It didn’t work.

“Have you seen Mike?” asked Lexi. It turned out I could answer this question honestly.

            “No. I haven’t seen him all day.”

            She walked away. I entered and closed the door to my room. As I stared out the window, I saw just how barren the base really was. There was no green at all; nothing, but walls and weapons in the hands of the men who walked by. I guess this is what prison is like. It was then I realized that I might have another problem. Lexi may not be a genius, but she wasn’t stupid. She’d eventually figure out that Mike wasn’t at the base and she might be dumb enough to go out looking for him so I left my room and went to the base entrance and sat by it. It was the only way out of the base that I knew of and Lexi was about four feet shorter than the walls so she wouldn’t be able to jump over them. Still, I kept my eyes open just in case she tried.

            When night finally came, I heard footsteps approaching the entrance. It was Lexi carrying a bag of supplies. There were no lights so she couldn’t see me. The only reason I could see her was because she was in the path of the moonlight. As she reached for the door, I grabbed her arm.

            “You’re not going after him,” I told her.

            “You knew before, didn’t you?”

            “Yes, but that doesn’t change a thing.”

            “He could be hurt. I have to find him.”

            She began to struggle so I picked her up and began carrying her back to the house.

            “Let go of me!” she yelled.

            “Would you keep it down? Do you want to draw attention to the base?”

            She stopped making noise, but continued to struggle with me.

            “Lexi, stop it! He told me not to tell you.”

            “I don’t care.”

            “Well, he does. Besides, do you really think you’d be able to find him out of all the directions he could have went? What if you leave and he comes back? Then he’ll have to go out again to get you, putting himself in harms way again.”

            She stopped struggling. I put her down.

            “Putting yourself in danger isn’t going to bring him back here. You need to wait.”

            “What if he doesn’t come back?” She said, almost on the verge of tears.

            “If he’s not back by tomorrow, I’ll go out and find him and I won’t come back until I’ve found him.”

            That statement seemed to satisfy her enough for me to walk her back to the house. After she went into her room, I waited outside until she went to sleep and then went back to the entrance. I just made another promise, an unnecessary one. I could have just shoved her in her room and locked the door (I was tempted to do that before leaving the house again). Unlike the last one, I brought this upon myself. However, I wanted to have a jump-start so that I might succeed. Perhaps I should start looking for Mike now. Anyways, I decided to go outside the base and sit high up in a tree. Right now, I writing this wondering if I stay until morning or venture into the night.

- Jack's Diary

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