Jack's Diary - The Pain - Day 61

            Something has changed. I can’t feel my left arm anymore. I noticed it when Brian came into my tent to wake me up and I instinctually tried to swing my left fist at him. When nothing happened, I got angry and took it out on him. Everyone was so happy that morning. Mike was sitting down and relaxing and the mood was generally calm. I can’t remember when I last felt this way or was happy at all. When I was on my own, I loved the mornings and I loved the wilderness. Now, I feel numb, both in my left arm and to the feelings I once had. What in the world happened to me? What am I?

            Mike split us up into four groups. I got Brian and Jess on my team along with 5 kids. According to Brian, Mike planned to make a nonstop trip back to base. I was only the good news that I heard that day. I wanted to get back to base and reflect. I am lost right now, with no one looking for me.

            We went into what appeared to be a large old motel searching for medicine. Each room had a cabinet that contained a few useful things like sleeping pills and antidepressants. There’s no way a motel would offer these drugs to customers for free. People must have brought them along on their trip and forgot to or neglected to take them. They are ours now. Brian and everyone else avoided being around me, even Jess. Not sure what their problem is. I didn’t really have much time to ponder this because a large group of soulless from the upper floors and from outside rushed in without reason. It was like a call went out and everyone, but us received it. I came out into the hall to find group members gathered in the center of hall, some running in our direction from soulless. A group of soulless rushed down the hall, so I took out my handgun with my good arm and started firing. I missed. The first time I’ve ever missed with a handgun in years. The group covered the entire span of the hall and I struggled just to shoot them, let alone shoot them in the head to end them. The others fired as well, hitting and killing the soulless with ease. There were too many of them and the group turned tail and ran away without me even realizing (some friends, huh?). If I couldn’t shoot them, I decided I’d stab them. I pulled out my machete and cut through three when suddenly, a terrible pain struck my left arm. It was unlike any pain I’d ever felt in my life, so much so that I dropped my machete and nearly fell over. I managed to stumble back into the room I came out of before and closed the door, locking it behind me. A great number of the soulless were trying to break down the door as I leaned against it, hoping that the pain would subside. I had no idea how the others were fairing. Then again, leaving me like that was just as bad as stabbing me so I didn’t worry too much. The wood the padlock on the door was screwed into was splitting from all of the brute force on the door. Less and less noise could be heard outside the door, but the door continued to weaken. I had one of the flares with me. As much as I hated to do it, I launched it out the window (that was thankfully already broken open). Not long after, the door was just about to come off its hinges so I backed away from the door and drew my knives. They charged in without hesitation. I kicked one back and stabbed another coming at me from the side in the chest. I tried to throw knives, only to miss using them as well. It was too risky to shove my way passed them so only thing I could do was take out my crowbar and hit them. I killed a few, but this came to a sudden halt when the pain returned. I struggled just to keep a hold of the crowbar. When I realized I couldn’t swing the crowbar, I backed myself into a corner and called out for help, something I rarely do and am ashamed of doing it. By luck, Mike was nearby and took care of the remaining soulless in the room. There was no time to explain as Mike took me up to the roof. Apparently, he saw the rest of the group fending off soulless on the roof. By the time we got up there, all the soulless were dead. The struggle was over for now.

            That was the last emergency of the day. Everyone else handled themselves against danger and the groups came back with supplies. I didn’t celebrate. I gathered the weapons I dropped and head over to a tree to practice. The left arm didn’t hurt anymore though it was strange that it is numb to the touch yet I could feel such intense pain from it. The sun began going down and I continued to practice throwing my knives. My aim was decent, but not as good as it once was. Again I asked, what happened to me? You don’t just lose skill overnight. Mike came over some time to talk with me.

            “So, what happened back at the building?” he asked.

            I had my back to him, still facing the tree. I didn’t want to turn around.

            “I can’t feel my left arm anymore.”

            Mike was silent for a few moments. He walked around and faced me.

            “You mean you can’t move it at all?”

            No and it gets worse. I kept feeling an incredible amount of pain that left me debilitated and defenseless.”

            “Let me see.” Mike took a look at my arm, examining the stitches. It looked okay to me.

            “It looks like it’s healing. No infection or discoloring. Though I’m not a doctor.” He looked up at me, “Maybe it’s all in your head.”

            I nearly snapped when he said that. I jerked away and walked to the tree to retrieve my knives.

            “Come on, Jack. It happens to the best of us.”

            “This isn’t in my head! The pain was so bad, I considered killing myself! And it’s not just that. For the first time in years, I couldn’t aim a gun at all. They were 10 feet away and I struggled just to clip them.” I pulled two of the knives out of the tree while Mike just stood there, unable to think of anything to say I suppose. It was then that the pain returned. I tried to scream, but the pain was too much. All I could do was gag and struggle to breathe as I squirmed on the ground like worm in the sun.

            “Jack? Jack, what the hell!” Mike ran to me and propped me up against the tree, “Jack. Calm down. Take some deep breaths.”

            I wanted to tell him to stop talking to me like I was a child, but I couldn’t speak. I pushed Mike to the side and tried walking back to camp. I fell, only making it two steps.

            “I just want to get back to base. Let’s go back to base now, Mike! Right now!”

 I said desperately.

            “You’re in no condition to travel. You need to rest.”

            “Rest is pointless! I’ll just die a little tomorrow! We go back to base or I’ll drag myself there!”

            Dragging myself wasn’t working. I was making no progress. Mike called one of the kids over and the two of them took me back to my tent. I started seeing distortions and illusions. Mike and the kid were dressed in light bronze armor, escorting me over a sea of spikes. The shadows gathered around the great light watched with curiosity. In the distance, I saw a few men and woman walking around, looking for a grocery store. The guards dropped me down the pit of fire. While the fire tormented me and obstructed my view, the devil walked in, out of the chasm. He stood over me, smiling in amusement, speaking words I couldn’t hear over the shouts of the flames. He sat beside me, often touching my forehead with his burning hand. He just sat there smiling.

            I can’t remember what happened after that last distorted memory. By that time, I had probably passed out. I woke up to find Ann sitting beside. She’d been there ever since they had first laid me down. I didn’t feel comfortable having people around me right now so I asked her to leave, which she complied with protest. I didn’t have anymore intense pains. It wouldn’t have mattered anyway. My gun is gone. Mike or someone probably took it. My other weapons except for the knives are too far away for me to reach. Maybe later.

- Jack's Diary

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Jack's Diary - Lost in Memories - Day 49

     Well, I suppose things could have turned out worse. There could’ve been three people dead instead of one, but that thought doesn’t help boost everyone’s mood, especially Mike’s. I even tried to engage Mike in conversation to no avail on our way to the Valor’s base. He's stop talking for the most part and has basically stopped doing anything except breath. He has the same mood about him that I had after I lost Jane. I just hope he bounces back after some time and I hope he doesn't turn into someone like me. The world doesn't need another killer.

     It was my assumption that the paper we were delivering was the package. However, it turned out only to be a release slip for us to receive the real package: a young girl. It would’ve been nice to know this ahead of time (in which case, I may have chosen not to come). I don't want to be held responsible for someone else's life, especially a stranger's. What’s worse, the girl looked and acted a lot like Lexi and I could see Mike wasn’t happy with the thought of having this reminder with us, but I didn’t want to argue or decline the job since we knew nothing about the Valor’s “temperament” or how many men they had. There’s been enough death so I said we’d take the job despite Mike’s disapproval. The girl and Mike got into an argument about traveling with us, with Mike ending it, giving her the cold shoulder. I decided to stay out of it. Words won't help us.

     We set up camp nearby before heading out tomorrow. Ann and Jess talked inside the tent while I saw Mike sitting alone. The girl for some reason decide to start a conversation with me.

     "What the hell is that grumpy old man's problem?" she asked me.

     I paused for a moment. "Could be that in the first 10 seconds that we met you, you've cursed and complained to us."

     "So what. You have to put up with me. It's your job."

     "No. Our job is to get you there alive. Whether or not you want your vocal cords cut out relies completely on your behavior. Understand?"

     A look of shock came to her face. "You wouldn't..."

     "I can do far worse. Though you'd have to push me pretty far." The look remained on her face. "Relax. I only said that to shut you up. Mike would never let me."

     "Who's Mike?" she asked.

     "The guy you were complaining about before. He's usually in a better mood, but just before we came here, we lost one of our traveling companions so you might want to give him a break. She actually looked a lot like you."

     "One of your friends gets killed and I'm suppose to trust you with my life? How comforting," she says sarcastically.

     "You don't have much choice, do you? Besides, her and Mike went ahead alone to reach the Valor's base. Had we all been there, things might have turned out different."

     "Doubt it. You all look like a bunch of push overs," she said.

     I took out a knife and threw it at a tree nearly thirty feet away, the blade digging into the bark. Her eyes got wide when she saw me taking it out (she probably thought I was going to use it on her). I thought a small demonstration would accomplish more than words alone. "So, enough about me. Tell me about yourself. What's your name?"

     She still had a scared complexion on her face when she tried to talk, "My knife, I mean, my name is Julie."

     I asked her more about herself, like what things in life she liked, her past, and what she hoped for in the future. As the conversation went on, she became less afraid and more comfortable as I shared my experiences. I don't mind the idea of someone finding and reading this journal one day in the future since my life is an open book for anyone to learn about. That's part of the reason why I'm writing it, in the hopes that it will do someone some good, but Julie's thoughts and dreams are hers alone and I won't reveal the personal pieces here. However, I eventually managed to switch the conversation over to her time at the Valor's base.

     "A patrol group scavenging for supplies found me looting a covalence store for food." Julie told me. "They promised me food and a place to sleep if I went with them. I was already starving at the time and I hadn't slept in two days so I went with them. I didn't have anywhere else to go so I stayed with them for about three months and now they want to ship me out to another base like a package."

     "Did they mistreat you at all?" I asked.

     "No, but they didn't really pay attention to me that much. Only a few people stopped what they were doing to talk with me, only to get yelled at by the boss to get back to work."

     "Do you know anything about the base we're taking you to?"

     "I just told you they hardly said a word to me. This whole trip was a surprise to me and I hate it."

     "Well, you can look at the bright side. If it's a kid's camp, there will probably be kids around your age to talk to."

     "I don't care. I don't like being out here in the open. It's not safe. And who says I'd want to talk with the other kids? They're all probably jerks. What if someone there tries to kill me?"

     I paused for a moment (I seem to be doing a lot of that). "You didn't really think I was going to drop you off and leave, did you?" Julie gave me a strange look. "I can't speak for the others, but if I can see that things are just as bad as you imagine, I'm not going to leave you there."

     "Won't the Valors kill you if you don't get me there?"

     "Not if I kill them first." I dug into my bag and took out a knife and handed it to her. "Keep it with you all the time. You might need it."

     She smiled and took it. We stayed up a little longer talking about knives; where and how to conceal and use them. She eventually left to go to her tent. Everyone else was in their tents except for me and Mike. I walked over to the tree I threw my knife at and retrieved it. I said goodnight to Mike, but it didn't even seem like he noticed me. Lost in memories, perhaps?

     I really hope that the base turns out to be fine. As exciting as it would be, I don't want to start a battle with the Valors; too much risk in someone on my side getting killed. Besides, from what I've heard about the Valors, they seem like okay people; definitely better than the red and blue group. There's no need for good people to die.

     One last thing I guess I should mention. The entire time I was talking to Julie, it felt like someone was watching me. Before going into my tent, I thought I saw Ann head sticking out of the entrance to her tent watching me. As soon as I turned my direct vision to her tent, I didn't see her. 

- Jack's Diary

     

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