Jack's Diary - The Nightmare of Living - Day 71

 *Morning*

            It was probably before dawn when I woke up. I don’t look to the sky too much anymore so I wouldn’t know. I didn’t finish the design. It’s going to be a pole with a sledgehammer on each end. Since the head of each hammer is going to be heavy, I knew I needed to make the pole strong and near unbreakable. I couldn’t do that without a power drill and some lighting so I decided to wait until morning. The good news is the base does a have a few power drills, but the parts are scattered around all the storage areas like a Find It picture book. Only found two drill bits and the body of the drill itself before I stopped looking; no battery pack (ironic). I’ll look for it later.

            After the search was over, I managed to make two more silencers and tested them; they work just as well as the others. I was working on attaching a newly made silencer to a rifle when Mike snuck up on me. I turned and pointed the barrel of the rifle at his cheek (I’m glad the habit of identifying my target’s face before shooting has prevailed after all this time). He told me he was impressed with my work, but that I should take a break. Like that’s going to happen. Relaxing just isn’t relaxing to me. There’s too much to do and not enough time in our lives left to finish it.

*Around Noon*

            Found a stupid battery pack. An uncharged one! You’d think they’d keep this place a little more orderly, especially equipment like batteries and chemicals. The only good thing to come out of my search was the assortment of knives, screws, nails, wires, and the bow saw I found (mine now). Screws won’t do much good without a drill and although the nail could work, I don’t want to chance the weapon breaking mid-swing. I should give it a name as to be more specific. Double Sledge, perhaps?

            Mike is building something with a few other guys. I didn’t bother to ask in case I’d get stuck with helping (I’m not lazy; I just prefer my own projects). It appears to be the foundation for a house or building of some sort. Not a bad idea since the more buildings we have, the better. A storage shed, a place for sleeping, a bigger watchtower. There are definitely some possibilities with it.

*Afternoon*

            I don’t think it’s going to be a storage shed. They’re not adding a roof at all so it’ll probably go up at least another floor. Victor and two guys (who I think I saw on the roof in the city) have been working on it for a while now. I finished another three silencer and again searched for a battery pack. No luck and there aren’t too many places left to look. I’m tempted just to drown the Double Sledge in cement glue despite knowing it’d break apart easily. Also, I would need glue.

*Evening*

            It’s been an “interesting” day. Definitely not one of my worst. Mike asked me to join him and Victor in a search party to look for Julie. Apparently, she went missing a while back and wasn’t anywhere on base. We drove into the city to look for her. I hadn’t noticed just how horrid the outside world smells, like decay and car fumes. I say outside world because I take comfort inside the walls of the base and it seems so different than the bleak landscape around us.

            We searched the grocery stores and other loot-able places where she may have gone. No sign of her there and not much to loot either. It seemed like hours had passed before we found her. Of all the places you’d expect; in an old arcade. She said she wished the games still worked. I guess I can relate and I can’t blame her for yearning for a lost time, a time where nightmares were only in our dreams. I looked around at the games. A lot of the screens were busted out and the wiring and token collectors ripped away (there was more glass on the floor than tokens). I started thinking back to one of the few times I went to an arcade; the lights, the sounds, the smiles. All lost.

            Mike took Julie to get some new stuff or as he put it “shopping”. Not surprisingly, most of the toys in the toy store were untouched. No demand for toys when food and water was scarce. I took a few things for myself, including some water guns, a few little (batteries included), some small fluffy animals (just in case I need padding in the future), and a Star Wars lightsabor just because I wanted one. Victor rolled his eyes when he saw me take it. We visited a few other places after, but I don’t remember what they were called as not too much interested me at those places.

            I remember during our trip that Julie said she wouldn’t go alone again if Mike wouldn’t do it either. Mike looked to Victor and I for help, but neither of us said a thing. As fun as it is to go alone, it dangerous. Mike seemed to agree with Julie though I don’t specifically remember him making a promise. That was one conversation. It was the ride home that the feeling came over me again. Mike asked about Ann and all I did was look out the window. What was I suppose to him? That she left randomly at night? The horrible truth? I planned on lying or just giving a vague answer, but I just couldn’t do it. To make it worse, as I was staring out the window, my vision began to get blurry. I thought the window was getting cloudy. It was my eyesight. In less than a minute, all I could see was white, much like that blinding light from before. Luckily, I wasn’t the one driving at the time. I didn’t want to alert the others to it or to show any fear so I took to writing in my journal and I continue to do so. My sight has returned partially though I dread looking up from my writing.

*Night*

            My vision is almost completely restored. It was still a little blurry when I went back to working on the silencers (I’m probably going to have to remake the new ones). Mike told me to “take a major break”. For once, I complied with this command. I sat against the wall of the base far away from the others as night overcame the sky. I began remembering or for lack of a better word, reliving the nightmare I had about Ann and the proof I woke to. The Ann I thought I knew was kind, shy, and perhaps a little naïve. The Ann I met in my dream was confident, prideful, and had a malicious toyful nature about her. They were opposites and yet how could I have dreamed up that other personality of Ann when I don’t recall ever meeting someone that could even come close to fitting that description? I also thought of the blinding light I saw and the sights that came afterward. Am I to believe that I saw Lexi alive and well or that I dreamed it? What dragged my body back up the hill and did I even fall down it in the first place. That letter I found was the most confusing. It sounded like it was from Ann or Jane and even then, it just doesn’t make sense. What the point of it all? As I was going over the details in my head again, I felt a small cold breeze on my neck, as if someone had breathed on it. In a low feminine whisper came the words, “Come to me…” and I instantly drew a knife and stabbed at the space behind me. All I hit was the base wall. There was no one around me.

            Right now, I’m sitting in the corner of my room with a shotgun next to me, watching the door and window, both locked, occasionally writing in this journal. I’m not afraid. It’s not fear; it’s paranoia. Paranoia of what may come to be.

- Jack’s Diary

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Jack's Diary - The Pain - Day 61

            Something has changed. I can’t feel my left arm anymore. I noticed it when Brian came into my tent to wake me up and I instinctually tried to swing my left fist at him. When nothing happened, I got angry and took it out on him. Everyone was so happy that morning. Mike was sitting down and relaxing and the mood was generally calm. I can’t remember when I last felt this way or was happy at all. When I was on my own, I loved the mornings and I loved the wilderness. Now, I feel numb, both in my left arm and to the feelings I once had. What in the world happened to me? What am I?

            Mike split us up into four groups. I got Brian and Jess on my team along with 5 kids. According to Brian, Mike planned to make a nonstop trip back to base. I was only the good news that I heard that day. I wanted to get back to base and reflect. I am lost right now, with no one looking for me.

            We went into what appeared to be a large old motel searching for medicine. Each room had a cabinet that contained a few useful things like sleeping pills and antidepressants. There’s no way a motel would offer these drugs to customers for free. People must have brought them along on their trip and forgot to or neglected to take them. They are ours now. Brian and everyone else avoided being around me, even Jess. Not sure what their problem is. I didn’t really have much time to ponder this because a large group of soulless from the upper floors and from outside rushed in without reason. It was like a call went out and everyone, but us received it. I came out into the hall to find group members gathered in the center of hall, some running in our direction from soulless. A group of soulless rushed down the hall, so I took out my handgun with my good arm and started firing. I missed. The first time I’ve ever missed with a handgun in years. The group covered the entire span of the hall and I struggled just to shoot them, let alone shoot them in the head to end them. The others fired as well, hitting and killing the soulless with ease. There were too many of them and the group turned tail and ran away without me even realizing (some friends, huh?). If I couldn’t shoot them, I decided I’d stab them. I pulled out my machete and cut through three when suddenly, a terrible pain struck my left arm. It was unlike any pain I’d ever felt in my life, so much so that I dropped my machete and nearly fell over. I managed to stumble back into the room I came out of before and closed the door, locking it behind me. A great number of the soulless were trying to break down the door as I leaned against it, hoping that the pain would subside. I had no idea how the others were fairing. Then again, leaving me like that was just as bad as stabbing me so I didn’t worry too much. The wood the padlock on the door was screwed into was splitting from all of the brute force on the door. Less and less noise could be heard outside the door, but the door continued to weaken. I had one of the flares with me. As much as I hated to do it, I launched it out the window (that was thankfully already broken open). Not long after, the door was just about to come off its hinges so I backed away from the door and drew my knives. They charged in without hesitation. I kicked one back and stabbed another coming at me from the side in the chest. I tried to throw knives, only to miss using them as well. It was too risky to shove my way passed them so only thing I could do was take out my crowbar and hit them. I killed a few, but this came to a sudden halt when the pain returned. I struggled just to keep a hold of the crowbar. When I realized I couldn’t swing the crowbar, I backed myself into a corner and called out for help, something I rarely do and am ashamed of doing it. By luck, Mike was nearby and took care of the remaining soulless in the room. There was no time to explain as Mike took me up to the roof. Apparently, he saw the rest of the group fending off soulless on the roof. By the time we got up there, all the soulless were dead. The struggle was over for now.

            That was the last emergency of the day. Everyone else handled themselves against danger and the groups came back with supplies. I didn’t celebrate. I gathered the weapons I dropped and head over to a tree to practice. The left arm didn’t hurt anymore though it was strange that it is numb to the touch yet I could feel such intense pain from it. The sun began going down and I continued to practice throwing my knives. My aim was decent, but not as good as it once was. Again I asked, what happened to me? You don’t just lose skill overnight. Mike came over some time to talk with me.

            “So, what happened back at the building?” he asked.

            I had my back to him, still facing the tree. I didn’t want to turn around.

            “I can’t feel my left arm anymore.”

            Mike was silent for a few moments. He walked around and faced me.

            “You mean you can’t move it at all?”

            No and it gets worse. I kept feeling an incredible amount of pain that left me debilitated and defenseless.”

            “Let me see.” Mike took a look at my arm, examining the stitches. It looked okay to me.

            “It looks like it’s healing. No infection or discoloring. Though I’m not a doctor.” He looked up at me, “Maybe it’s all in your head.”

            I nearly snapped when he said that. I jerked away and walked to the tree to retrieve my knives.

            “Come on, Jack. It happens to the best of us.”

            “This isn’t in my head! The pain was so bad, I considered killing myself! And it’s not just that. For the first time in years, I couldn’t aim a gun at all. They were 10 feet away and I struggled just to clip them.” I pulled two of the knives out of the tree while Mike just stood there, unable to think of anything to say I suppose. It was then that the pain returned. I tried to scream, but the pain was too much. All I could do was gag and struggle to breathe as I squirmed on the ground like worm in the sun.

            “Jack? Jack, what the hell!” Mike ran to me and propped me up against the tree, “Jack. Calm down. Take some deep breaths.”

            I wanted to tell him to stop talking to me like I was a child, but I couldn’t speak. I pushed Mike to the side and tried walking back to camp. I fell, only making it two steps.

            “I just want to get back to base. Let’s go back to base now, Mike! Right now!”

 I said desperately.

            “You’re in no condition to travel. You need to rest.”

            “Rest is pointless! I’ll just die a little tomorrow! We go back to base or I’ll drag myself there!”

            Dragging myself wasn’t working. I was making no progress. Mike called one of the kids over and the two of them took me back to my tent. I started seeing distortions and illusions. Mike and the kid were dressed in light bronze armor, escorting me over a sea of spikes. The shadows gathered around the great light watched with curiosity. In the distance, I saw a few men and woman walking around, looking for a grocery store. The guards dropped me down the pit of fire. While the fire tormented me and obstructed my view, the devil walked in, out of the chasm. He stood over me, smiling in amusement, speaking words I couldn’t hear over the shouts of the flames. He sat beside me, often touching my forehead with his burning hand. He just sat there smiling.

            I can’t remember what happened after that last distorted memory. By that time, I had probably passed out. I woke up to find Ann sitting beside. She’d been there ever since they had first laid me down. I didn’t feel comfortable having people around me right now so I asked her to leave, which she complied with protest. I didn’t have anymore intense pains. It wouldn’t have mattered anyway. My gun is gone. Mike or someone probably took it. My other weapons except for the knives are too far away for me to reach. Maybe later.

- Jack's Diary

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Jack's Diary - Right isn't Always Right - Day 50

     Julie was attacked later that night, long after I had finished writing so I didn't feel like including it in the last entry. A soulless snuck into her tent, but Mike took care of it (for now on, we're going to have keep our tents tied or zippered shut). Her and Mike still get into small arguments now and then though I know this is only because he cares. When we ran out of gas for the car in the city (perhaps I shouldn't have been in such a rush to get out of the city before), Julie went to loot in a nearby store alone. Mike started yelling at her again, only to end with her calling him an old man. I thought it was funny, but Mike didn't (he just doesn't have my rich sense of humor, I suppose). Though he was right; no one should go anywhere alone, or at least not far, especially her. If she dies, not only would it be sad, we'd have the Valors after us since I don't think they'd appreciate a "dead" package. Even I tell members of the group where I go.
     Anyway, right after the argument, Jess and Victor motioned for me to come to them. We were all gathered in a circle (excluding Mike and Julie). Jess was the first to speak, "We're not really going to hand Julie over to the Valors, are we?"
     "Do you want a war with them?" I asked.
     "She can't be that important to them," responded Victor.
     "She was valuable enough for them to give us a large amount of supplies as a down-payment. What does that tell you?"
     "They handed her to us like she was property, like a slave. It isn't right," said Jess.
     "Whether it's right or not doesn't matter. We're too far from home to start a battle against a group as big as this."
     "You took out the red and blues no problem though," responded Ann.
     "That's because they were small, savage, and unorganized. We know that the Valors have at least three bases. That's at least three times the manpower."
     "Sounds like you're scared," said Victor.
     "I'm not scared for myself; I'm scared for you. If we make enemies with an army out here, we have no shelter to take."
     "Then what if we could trick them or make a trade for her?" suggested Jess.
     "And it's not just about what's right. You've seen Mike," Victor spoke. "I thought he'd never talk again until we picked up Julie. He's already starting to like her. We can't just give her away. Especially not now."
     Julie pushed her way through the huddle. "Are you guys talking about me?"
     Everyone was silent for a moment. Then I sighed. "Let's cross that bridge once we get to it," I said to the others, "There's much more at stake here then just happiness."
     I walked away while the Jess spoke to Julie, probably explaining away or telling her what we were discussing. I lost three people due to a war I brought upon myself. What's worse, the situation is beginning to look similar to it; we're extremely far from where we're returning to, we lost one member and have two new ones with us as well from the trip.
     On to happier things, Victor and I began syphoning cars for gas. Apparently, someone beat us to it, because we had to go through 10 cars before we found two that weren't empty. We have enough to fill up the tank, but I'm going to try and get some more tomorrow morning. Afterward, Victor accompanied me to a couple of building for exploring. We came across a few soulless, but they were nothing a good hit to the head couldn't resolve. In a sense, I was window shopping; not looking for anything in particular, but I was hoping for something useful. I found some pretty good rope, an inflatable raft (it was sitting on the top shelf of a insurance office for some reason), some surgical tools in the local hospital, and two books from the local library: "The Art of War" by Sun Tzo and "Improvised Explosives: How to Make Your Own" by Seymour Lecker. I wish the library back near the Hill had been more extensive. I would have liked to have these before. Victor gathered a few of his own supplies, mainly medical related, back to camp. There was something strange, though. I could have sworn there was someone watching me the whole time from a distance. I didn't see anyone else except for Victor.
     It was pretty dark by the time we got back. Julie approached me when I arrived.
     "Is it true?" she asked, "Am I staying with you guys?"
     "Jess told you that?"
     "Yah, but I want to know for sure. Is it true?"
     "I don't know yet."
     "How can you not know?"
     "Because I haven't decided. There's a lot of risk and why do you care anyways?" I asked.
     "Because I don't want leave."
     "Nothing's for certain yet."
     Julie turned away and went to talk with Jess. She came back a minute later.
     "If you don't help, Victor and Jess will. Either way, I'm staying."
     "I'm pretty sure it's up to Mike and I'm going to have a say in the situation as well."
     "Why the hell can't I stay with you?"
     "I'm done talking."
     I walked away from her, but tried not to alert Mike. I don't think he knows about this, but I'm sure he'll hear about it sooner or later. This isn't something to be decided in secret; this is a group decision. I really don't know which one Mike will side with and either one presents its own downside. I'm done thinking about this for now.

- Jack's Diary

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