Jack's Diary - Until That Time - Day 86

*Early Morning*

            I don’t care what Moses thinks. It wasn’t my fault. What was I suppose to tell them when I had that first dream? I wasn’t even sure if all that stuff happening it was real. They would’ve told me it was just a dream or worse, locked me up for fear I’d gone nuts. Of all the things Ann could’ve done, that had to be her last act. To stand back and watch us kill each other. What the hell am I writing her name for still? Never again! No more!

            What puzzles me is why Moses was left alone. He woke up and everyone was gone. Why was he spared? (Maybe as an insurance policy in case “she” failed, Moses might have killed me, especially if Mike had been killed).

            We got up early and are about to continue to head for the Grand Oak River. Still no sign of Jess and Victor.

*Noon*

            Right now, I’m sitting up in a tree, still not in a 100 percent condition. Had I been previous, there would’ve been no contest in that fight with (just a series of punches and kicks I dodged and landed on him). Now we’re resting. All of my grenades and flash grenades are gone, but luckily, there was some ammo left over at the tree fort and our stop there allowed me to bring my other non-essential stuff along, like books (I left them there, expecting to come back if my mission was successful. Had I not, someone else would get them). I hope we’ll stop in a town again some day; it’d give me a chance to restock and make some more weapons.

            I’ve been thinking about that story. She said Carol had been a lab rat for a company. She couldn’t have been the only test subject; human testing labs always have more than one to more firmly establish that the test results apply to everyone and not just the test subject, even in extremely risky cases (you never want someone to question the results of your research because that could mean starting all over again). The thought of more nutcases isn’t comforting, but it’s possible the other subjects weren’t bitten, were killed, or they reacted differently than her (whose to say if that story is even real). If it is though, I’d like to find this company. Developing a substance to change the nature and jobs of cells is not an easy thing to do. Perhaps there’s more to the experiments and the company itself.

            Everyone’s quiet, probably thinking about Victor and Jess. Would you think less of me if I told you I didn’t care if they were alive? I don’t know why, I just don’t feel sad or worried. I wouldn’t abandon them and I’d lay down my lives for them, but I don’t miss them. I just don’t feel… anything.

*Afternoon*

            We reached it, Grand Oak River. Honestly, not really that grand. There was a flat rock outcropping, like a small cliff, eight feet tall next to the river bank. I was going to suggest we make a camp on it, but it would take considerable work to pitch and anchor a tent on a rock. After everything was set up, I got on top of the rock and looked out. There was something, like a town or city in the very far distance. Nothing else, but trees and birds.

            I went out and gathered some plants and berries. Many plants take advantage of the river water so vegetation was not in short supply. I also managed to catch two large frogs (one I speared by throwing a knife. I actually didn’t think it would work). I spent most of the afternoon cooking the frogs. Everyone tried it though I don’t know if they liked it.

            I’m starting to get a little concerned. I keep getting these migraines. They’re not extremely bad, but I never had them this often. I didn’t even notice them when they started, until they became a regular occurrence. I guess it’s kind of selfish for me to be thinking of myself at this time

*Evening*

            I’m on lookout right now with Mike. I’m thinking about things again. I can’t help, but ponder the line between right and wrong, for myself especially. There’s still no sign of Jess and Victor.

*Night*

            I just finished my lookout time with Mike. I now sit atop the rock and write this. The night’s quiet save for the sound of rushing waters and night creatures. There haven’t been many soulless bothering us. It’s funny, I used to always write about the soulless I encountered and killed. Now, I hardly mention them at all. Their intrusion has become a norm like eating and sleeping so much that I could kill 10 without even thinking twice. Even the faces are beginning to melt into one ugly image in my head.

            I’ve been rethinking my earlier statement, about what happened to everyone. It may just be my fault. It certainly isn’t the fault of those who died. Had I never met Mike and his group, I’d be dead and they never would’ve gotten involved in the matter. She would be alive too, but she probably would’ve found someone else to stalk. All those people, all those lives, every single one of them died because of me and it’s always how it is. No one stays alive for long when they’re around me except for Mike. If Jess and Victor don’t show up then that’ll only go to prove my point further. It’s like I have a grim reaper hovering over my head, pulling my strings and watching time unfold and the death count rise. If I can’t protect anyone then what the hell is the point of living? My entire purpose was centered on the idea that I could preserve lives, save people from a demise they would have met without me. It’s as if I’d help more if I didn’t exist. Maybe I should just spend my time killing soulless? I don’t see how any harm can come of that. Less soulless to bite and bother. If we ever reach another city or town, I might leave then, but not yet. Until that time, I’ll contemplate what to do next.

- Jack's Diary

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Jack's Diary - I Hope When Doubting - Day 60

            I was tired and kept falling asleep during the drive. My dreams replayed my murders before. After seeing these sights so many times, I no longer feel remorse or fear of them; now, when I wait I fear what I’ve become. I haven’t had a fit of murderous rage come over me for a while now, probably because I’m venting through my conscious actions. There’s too much about myself that I don’t understand, but I know I don’t want to be some life taker; there’s no reward or happy endings for such human beings.

            I can barely move my left arm now without it feeling like something was going to tear. I can out a piece of cloth from the bottom of my tent to make a mesh (I’ll deal with the hole later). My leg is feeling good. While I was in and out of consciousness, Ann took the bullet out of my leg and patched it up. I didn’t feel a thing. It seems she does have her uses after all (and how strange that she now suddenly remember now when others had worse injuries before). I’ m not going to debate this though. She did something good.

            We’ve gotten pretty far today, at least I think. My eyes weren’t open for most of it. With Mike, Victor, and I still recovering from injuries, the older kids took up the responsibility of guarding our camp. Mike took the guns off them and gave them melee weapons; understandable, no need to bring attention to ourselves (Also, night’s approaching and I wouldn’t want one of the kids stupidly shooting themselves in the foot). I could still do stuff and I felt fine. It was just my arm that worried me. It’s numb and ugly looking. I really hope it heals up (though I doubt it will ever be the same).

            Mike thanked me and said if it weren’t for me, all six of us would be dead. I can’t take credit for that since it was a group effort and we were lucky. I don’t think I’ve ever heard of a team of six taking down an army (with the help of some kids). It’s a story you’d find in Greek mythology or the newest action movie… when they still made them. Had the Valors been smart, they would’ve put distance between us and them (that would be my reaction if someone was pointing a turret at me). They couldn’t bear to leave their home behind even when they knew it was doomed. I despised the Valors, but at the same time, I admired them in some respect. I wish my friends at the Hill ‘d done that. We had a better chance of winning and even if we were defeated, I would die happy, knowing we did our best. I should stop talking about the Hill; it’s gone though I can’t say the same for the memories; the same kinds of memories I hope to see again someday.

            Afterwards, Julie randomly hugged Mike, thanking him (it’s not like I did anything to help). He didn’t hug her back at first. He looked up at me, expecting an answer. I couldn’t see why not, so I thought it was weird that he’d look to me. As far as I’m concerned, with the Valor’s main base destroyed, Julie’s free to do what she pleases and we don’t have to push her away anymore. I left them alone since it was a nice moment between them. I actually a little concerned for Mike; he’s built his purpose around protecting and caring for someone and I’ve seen first hand what happens to him when the person dies. What’s going to happen WHEN Julie dies? (There’s no question since we all will die, but will it be after Mike’s dead?). It’s never good to build your life around something that will fade; that’s why it’s so hard to find meaning and purpose in life. Nearly everything falls to pieces eventually and once its gone, there’s no getting it back; we’re then left to find something else. I just hope he doesn’t let his memories of Lexi slip away. It’s not right to forget someone you once cared about.

            I’d said my purpose is looking after Mike and everyone else, but this isn’t enough. We’re all going to die some day and when we leave this world, it’ll still be a nightmare. I’ve come up with a plan to start wiping out the soulless population of the Earth and I’m going to need help. I decided I’d tell Mike once we got back to base (this also gives me more time to think the plan through).

            Ann came into my tent and sat beside me. There was a lot of activity going on outside and she chose to visit me; it was a nice gesture. I kept staring out the tent flap expecting to see a group of men charging at our camp. I can’t and don’t believe we killed all the Valors: would they let us go and move on? Residents from the other base I helped destroy hunted me for days. I don’t fear the Valors; I fear they will take me by surprise. I fear that my arm will never get better. I just don’t feel right. Let's just move on.

- Jack’s Diary

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Jack's Diary - Day 25, October 11th 2013

     The morning hit me like a strong wind as it shook my clothes and the thick tree branches I laid against. I peered down to see that Duke was still alive. I broke off a small tree branch and threw it at him as I was climbing down to wake him up. I wanted to get started early so we could get to the city as fast as possible.
     I used to love morning when I was younger. I don't no if it was the fresh cold air, the unique colors of the sky, or just an early sense of nostalgia for when I was much younger, when I was a child who knew nothing of the troubles to greet me with each successive saddening years. The nostalgia has dried up in me for mornings; they're just the beginning of what will soon be the end of another day. I am not happy and I haven't been happy for what feels like a long time. Even at the Hill, with all the smiling I did, most of it was for the benefit of my friends. Saving Jane wouldn't make life more enjoyable for me;  it would only give purpose, a sense that this world still needs me. I don't even know why I'm thinking these thoughts when nothing will be resolved in the end. I only live for the sake of the future and my feelings on life won't change.
     After a few hours of walking, I began to hear some animalistic noises from far away. I knew it would have been safer to avoid the direction the sounds were coming from, but we checked it out on the off chance that there might be someone in trouble (along with my own curiosity prompting me to dive in). The noises became louder and new ones that I hadn't previously heard joined the others, creating a disturbing, annoying symphony of sounds. I've never been to war, but it sure sounded like a battle. We finally reached the source as Duke stayed behind (coward) as I cautiously walked forward. I discovered that there was a battle taking place in a large open field among soulless. Soulless of different sizes and appearances were eating and killing one another. The grass was dark red with blood and the field was already littered with bodies with five or six soulless eating the flesh off the bones of the "dead" one while other soulless shoved others out of the way to get a bite. It seemed that the living soulless were much more appealing to the general population of the field since large groups would gang up on injured. I suppose cannibalism isn't too strange of an occurrence to occur between living creatures, especially when it is programmed into the instincts of the human mind to survive at all costs. I left still picturing what I saw in my mind. It wasn't shocking, but I never thought I'd see such a ghastly and savage battle among monsters in my lifetime. Duke asked what it was and I told him if he wanted to know, he should've come with me. It's best that he didn't though. He probably would've fainted or puked and alerted the soulless that "fresh meat" was only a run and bite away.
     We continued, walking a large distance around the battlefield just in case there were other soulless fighting in the nearby woods. Nothing interesting happened much after that, although, I thought I saw an albino deer in the far distance one time. I had never seen one in my life. I find it funny that such a unique animal survived in a time where everything just seems to be dying off. Perhaps there is more left for me on Earth to live the dreams of my younger self. Or, perhaps not.

- Jack's Diary

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Jack's Diary - Day 11, September 26th 2013

     I'm already well on my way to Saint Angeles. I didn't go into detail in my last entry so I'll explain now. John, the man who saved me, talked about his past on request. I asked because most of the people I met in the past either wanted me dead or wanted something from me and they especially didn't help me out of pure kindness. He'd lived almost his entire life in this small cabin. Once he became a young man, he moved away from society and built this cabin with his bare hands. He loved people, but preferred a life of solitude surrounded by nature's wild life. He was by no means a hippy or nutcase so don't get the wrong idea. I've known people in my life that loved animals and plants and the rare beauty that in his words "has gone unchanged or destroyed by time". Surprisingly enough, he met a woman. She lived in a cabin as well about 2 miles from John's. They came upon each other in their gathering and hunting. He eventually moved into her cabin and together had a daughter named Jane. The daughter left to start her own travels when she was of age. She's been gone for six years, but she did send a few messages to John by way of a friend visiting the cabin. John's wife passed away in her sleep about three years ago for unknown reasons. As John said, she "entered this world peacefully and left in a peaceful silence." Soon after, he locked up his wife's cabin and moved back into his old cabin (he suggested that I could live there if I wanted, but I declined). He continued to live as he previously did and knew nothing of the horrors happening in the world until the messager stopped coming and he saw a lost soul for the first time.

     I asked how he could go on living his life without a purpose. He was shocked and offended by this question. He gave his answer. "Isn't living good enough? Isn't there purpose in happiness and in breathing a breath? So many people spend their lives in misery and will continue to do so no matter what you tell them. I'm merely balancing the scale by being satisfied with taking care of my life and smiling. And who are you to judge my life to have no purpose, a man who fell at my doorsteps, pleading for help? Without me, you probably would have died. If that is what you mean by purpose then yes, I have a purpose. When I came out here, I never expected to meet a woman, make her happy, make a child with her, raise her up right, but I did. You do not always find purpose, purpose finds you and let it find you prepared and willing!"

     I apologized to John and he accepted it. I suppose I could have summed up his speech, but I consider it something that should be remember and not just to die with the two of us. We talked more and I revealed my past. The talking made the time pass by very fast. I nearly ready to leave when I brought up the question as to why he didn't leave to find his daughter. I already had a few ideas as to why and it turned out I was right.

     "What happens if I leave here and Jane comes back to an empty cabin? I am long passed my prime and as much as I would like to find her, getting killed in the process won't save her and will only sadden her if she found out that happened to me. She'd have no one left in the world or at least from this world. Still, I often find myself wondering whether I should try."

     And that is why I am now off to Saint Angeles. The last message he received from her was that she was living there. He didn't ask me or intend to suggest that I go, but he knew I was going to try and bring her back. I couldn't agree with everything in his philosophy, but he was right: purpose does find you.

- Jack's Diary

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