Jack's Diary - Unreachable Peace - Day 55

     Evie is leaving us. When Mike and her got back, I expected to get yelled at for slamming Evie's head against a tree, but Mike didn't say anything. Either he's fine with it (I doubt he would be) or Evie didn't say anything (as strange as it is, it is more likely). Evie didn't frown or smile when she stood before me; she seemed passive and null to my presence, as if she no longer cared about me. It all could've been an act for all I know. As she left, her eyes never connected with mine. I would've liked her to stay despite the uneasiness. I feel we could've gotten so much closer and now I suppose I'll never know if we could or just what relationship we'd had have. We're similar in nature though different at heart. It is for the best though; she doesn't need a group. I joined a group because I needed people to watch over and she already has Sam.

     In the morning, I spoke with Mike. He said that we should be at the Valors base within a day or so.  We packed up and headed out and strangely, nothing bad happened to us: no attacks, no shortages, no detours, and no emotional drama or fights. I pitched myself just to make sure I wasn't dreaming. We also run into some kind of trouble or something unexpected happens. We stopped a few times to rest, giving me the chance to read farther into the explosives-making book I picked up previously. I also started sharpening one of the ends of the iron bar against a large rock and I sharpened my knives. These are small things, but they're nice to do. 

     Along the way, everyone except for Mike and me were talking about Evie and how cool it would've been if she stayed. I hadn't noticed this until today, but when we travel, Ann is always a few steps behind me. The only reason I noticed was due to the circumstances; there was no detectable danger around to distract me and Ann was talking with others and I could hear here behind me. Perhaps she feels safe with me leading her or perhaps she has an obsession with me. I have seen her watching me, but it's possible she watches everyone (a stalker by nature perhaps). She could have been staring at the back of my head the whole walk and I would never know. Whenever I look back, her eyes are always elsewhere. Strange.

     When we stopped again, I decided to talk to her. I led her under a tree far enough away from the group so they couldn't hear. 

     "Ann, have any of your memories returned?"

     She shyly shook her head no. I had hoped to start out on a positive note before bringing up my concern.

     "I've noticed you staring at me quite often," she jumped a little at this admission. "Would you mind telling me why?"

     "I'm... interested in you," she answered quietly.

     "Interested?"

     "You're strong, smart, and brave. You're unlike anyone I've ever met." she answer, speaking as if she was ashamed and embarrassed of admitting this.

     This was a suspicion of mine. I have no interest in bonding with anyone too much right now so I accepted her words as merely an explanation for her actions.

     "Alright. Just don't stare at me so much," I said as kindly as I could muster. 

     One thing I like is a balanced woman or at least one brave enough to go after what she wants. If she likes me bad enough the way I think and she approaches me on the subject again, I may be inclined to take her up on the offer. Her attraction to me would explain her staring so much and the reason why I saw her smiling after I argued with Evie (Ann may have saw her as an opponent). Still, my suspicions are not over. I'm still uncertain; I'm always uncertain. I must be partially insane. I always think someone's out to get me. This thinking has kept me alive, but for what purpose if I'm always so untrusting? Bonds can't be kept and eace can't be found. If you can't trust your friends then should you really have friends? Is the doubt I'm feeling have any truth to it or is it just paranoia? I really don't know. I feel fine being this way for now. I heard soldiers develop this type of mindset in combat and it sticks with them. I don't want to keep this forever. There's no point in living out my life if I can't live it as I want. 

     And to think, this all came up because someone may care about me. I should be happy that someone would think of me so kindly. Whether or not she really meant what she said doesn't matter as much as what's keeping me thinking about it. I just tired of this mindset of distrust. I want to believe Ann, but something is just not right: with her or me.

- Jack's Diary

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Jack's Diary - A Run-in with Distrust - Day 54

     I don't think I say this too often about many people, but I have the strong urge to kill Evie. I tell her to do one thing for me and she can't even do that. I woke to Evie and Mike arguing and she flat out tells Mike he's stupid and that I thought so too. I never said he was stupid and I told her not to repeat what we talked about. Mike didn't seem too bothered by this information so I didn't see much point in defending myself.
     Mike seemed a lot better today so we headed out. While on our way, I gave Evie a piece of my mind.
     "The first time I trust you with something and you betray me," I told her.
     "What? You mean with telling Mike what said?
     "Yes and that wasn't what I said! You twisted my words around."
     "It's not that big of a deal."
     "It is for me! Why should I trust you if you can't even be trusted with something as small as this!"
     "That has nothing to do with trust. Someone had to tell him before he gets us killed."
     "So far, Mike's done a lot better than anything you've done."
     "So what? You'd just let him lead you blindly into danger without saying a word?" Evie stated.
     I didn't get a chance to respond. Mike stopped us and told us a horde was heading our way. I wouldn't have minded fight it, but safety comes first I suppose. Mike found a nearby lake and a canoe for us to take across. Mike, however, didn't have time to row across. So everyone except for Mike were on the other side of the lake.
     Shortly afterward, I began examining a nearby tree and I called over Evie. She put Sam down in the grass and approached me.
     "Do you think this tree is strong enough to support a tree fort?" I asked.
     She looked at me strangely and began saying, "Why would we try..." when I grabbed her hair on the back of her head and slammed her head against the tree twice before throwing her to the side. She didn't die, but she was rolling on the ground with a bloody dented forehead, as was the intended result. Sam began barking at me (sure. He acknowledges me now). I stepped back and watched her to see if she'd try and attack. She started to draw one of her knives when I grabbed my gun.
     "Hold it!" I shouted. She looked up at me and her hand ceased drawing the knife. She saw my hand on the gun. "Looks like that situation we talked about came up, hasn't it?" I told her.
     "Jack, what the hell is your problem?" yelled Julie.
     Everyone was alert and seemed ready to react to my next move.
     "Just exacting some payback," I responded without taking my eyes off Evie. "This is what happens when you cross me," I told Evie.
     "You did this just because I told Mike what you really thought?" Evie said angrily.
     "No. I did this because you betrayed my trust. I thought it was fitting; maybe it knocked some sense into your head."
     "Don't you think this is taking things too far?" asked Victor.
     "Considering I wanted to do far worse; no, this was mercy," I responded. I could see anger in her eyes as she slowly stood up. I also saw out of the corner of my eye that Ann was smiling (why in the world she was smiling, I don't know). "Had Mike kicked you out of the group, I wouldn't have hesitated to play out what I really wanted to do. However, since Mike seems to have faith in you, I'm willing to forgive."
     "If Mike were here, he'd never let you do this!" shouted Julie.
     "I still would have though he probably would've yelled at me just like you're doing right now. I don't intend on killing Evie," I said as I took my hand off the gun, "but I am going to give you a choice."
     "What choice?" Evie asked.
     "Mike's on the other side of the lake. Right now, we have no idea what his condition is though I expect he's alive and well. I want you find him and escort him back here."
     "What's the other choice?"
     "You take what you brought with you and leave us."
     She paused for a few seconds, looking down at the ground, probably considering her options.
     "I'm leaving," she answered.
     "Suit yourself. Jess, can you help her gather up her supplies? And Victor, you're in charge until I get back."
     "Where are you going?" Evie asked.
     "To get Mike."
     "Seriously, you must be joking. There's too much ground to cover. He could be anywhere."
     "Did you think I was kidding when I told you to look for him? Someone's going to and if you won't, I will."
     "And you really trusted me to bring your leader back?"
     "If Mike trusted you enough to keep you with us, I'm sure he'd trust you to help him now. are you reconsidering?"
     Evie stood in silence and seemed confused by the situation.
     "This just seems stupid to me," she said.
     "There's that word again. The fact is this is a test. You say you can handle yourself just fine. Here's your chance to prove it. If you don't return within a few hours, I'll come looking for both of you and believe me, I will succeed if you fail." Evie remained quiet as she thought.
     "The clock is ticking. Every moment you waste, nighttime draws closer."
     "Fine! I'll bring him back."
     "Alright. We'll keep an eye on Sam for you while you're gone. He'd just be a distraction."
     "Wait a second. I can't just..."
     "Trust me when I say no harm will come to your puppy," I answered.
     Evie walked off into the woods, beginning to go around the lake. After she left, Jess hit me over the head with a stick. It didn't hurt too much, but I don't like getting hit.
     "What are you? A psycho!?" Jess said angrily.
     "Would you mind elaborating on that," I responded.
     "You slam her head against a tree for "betraying your trust" (said sarcastically). Who made you judge and executioner?!"
     Julie came up to me and hit me with a stick as well. I yanked both of the sticks out of their hands and threw them into the lake.
     "Someone should slam your head against a tree! You had no right!"
     "Do you want someone around that might turn on you! You'll blindly accept anyone who greets you, won't you?" I asked them. "You don't look at someone and determine they are nice. That's a sure way to get yourself killed and we can't tolerate any lying and betrayal. It will lead to bad things, things that I want to avoid."
     "There has to be a better way then what you're doing," responded Jess.
     "I don't know. Maybe, but I don't know what it is."
     I walked off passed the bloody tree. I turned around to say, "Keep an eye on Sam. She'll kill us if anything happens to her." As I passed the tree, I saw Ann; she stared at me and had a disappointed look on her face. I began surveying the surrounding area when Victor caught up to me and gave me the same complaints as the girls did and I gave the same answers. I know what I did was extreme, but like I said, now is not a time for us to be sneaking around with secrets or spouting off words promised to be held sacred. Evie will probably always hate me. That's fine. As long as she helps out with the current cause and doesn't try and kill me, I don't care.
      After I was done surveying the area (no hordes around), I decided to try and catch some fish using some fishing line and a sharpened paperclip as the hook. The first thing I caught was one of the sticks I threw into the lake (irony). I managed to catch a few trout and that was our dinner.
     Night began approaching and all the tents were set up by now. I climbed the tree (you know. The bloody one) and tried to spot Evie and Mike. I didn't know if I should go out just yet so I decided to try and write this journal article. Then if they didn't show up by the time I finished, I would go out. About halfway through and they show up (it was already pretty late though). Evie greeted her puppy and Julie and the others greeted Mike. From the looks of things, it looked like Evie was staying. At least until morning.

- Jack's diary

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Jack's Diary - The Stare Exchange - Day 53

     Sick again. A few minutes after Mike gets up, he's down again. At this rate, it might take us months to reach the Valors base. I suppose that could be both a good and bad thing. At this point, I just want to go back to our base. Perhaps I should talk about happier things or at least more interesting things. We have a new member.
     When I came back, I alerted Mike to the men I'd heard (I was surprised to see him up). I also noticed the new member. Her name is Evie. She carries a puppy with her as strange as it may sound (in times like these, another unnecessary responsible seems risky, especially one that needs food and water). Anyways, Mike directed us to approach the men. We were cautious about doing so and I really couldn't tell if they were shifty or not. When they inquired about the girls, it should have been a dead give away. We gave them some of our food and they replay us by shooting at us. We were already at an exit to the sewers leading to a gathering of trees. The others ducked for cover while Mike and I disposed of the men. Evie seemed shocked and frightened at how we handled the situation. It was almost as if she'd never seen someone killed before. I told her that this is the way we handle things when our friends are threatened (or something like that). She was hesitant to come along with us, but she chose to. Not long after, Mike collapsed and we set up camp again outdoors. I decided to survey the surrounding area; there were no other survivors near by. There were a grouping of soulless in the distance, but they were far enough away not to give us trouble. I found a good piece of oak and began carving it with a knife to make a walking stick (Mike's going to need all the help he can get).
     A few hours passed. Victor had started to prepare dinner while Julie and Ann went to gather fire wood. Then I saw Evie far off from our camp, sitting on the grass. I couldn't tell what she was doing. I waited about 10 minutes before approaching her, with questions running through my head like "Who is she?", "Why should we trust her?", "Why does she seem different?". Well, curiosity got the better of me. She saw me in the distance walking toward her, all the time her eyes were fixed on me, weary of my intentions. I could seed she'd been playing with her puppy, who now looked up at her inquisitively. It looked like she had something behind her back (probably a weapon). I didn't want to get too close.
     "I don't think we formally met. My name is Jack."
     She had this distrusting look on her face, the same one I probably had upon mine.
     "My name is Evie."
     We stared at each other for a moment longer before I sat down on the grass facing her. I didn't have my hand on a weapon, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't ready to draw my gun if she made a move. We stared at each other intently. Neither one of us spoke. It may have been one of the most awkward moments of my life. I was never a man for patience so I came right out and said it.
     "Are you staying with us or what?"
     "I'm not sure," was her response.
     "I suggest you make up your mind soon. You're either with us or against us."
     She didn't like what I said.
     "It wasn't a threat. I just don't want someone who might betray us loitering about."
     "You don't have to worry about that," she said.
     "So you say. If I took promises at face value, I would've been killed long ago."
     It seems she trusted me enough to take her death stare off me and look at her dog. She held him close.
     "What do you want?" Evie asked.
     I paused a moment to gather my thoughts. "I came over here to inquire about you. Perhaps that's not as important as I once thought if you're not staying with us. Then again, why should I expect you to join us? You don't know a thing about us."
      It appeared that I struck a chord with her because there was something in that look of hers (which is strange because reading facial expressions are not one of my skills).
     "If you want to know anything about us; if anything about who we are or what we do seems strange or is bothering you, just ask."
     She waited a moment. "Yes, something is bothering me, but you better not tell your leader what I'm about to say."
     "Fine. What is it?" I asked.
     "Is Mike a good leader?" she asked.
     "Why do you ask?"
     "What do you mean by why do I ask?! I'm not going to follow a stupid leader into battle!" she yelled at me. She calmed herself before continuing, "Because of him, those two men almost killed us. I know he's sick, but I don't want to be put in a situation like that again."
     Well, in this case, I shouldn't tell Mike what I'm about to say because he'd punch me if he heard.
     "He's not stupid, but he's not really experienced yet."
     "Then why is he leading all of you?" she asked.
     That's a pretty good question. I've questioned it myself.
     "There's a few reasons. I could lead, but I choose not to and Mike's a lot smarter and level headed than most of the other members."
     "Wait. You choose not to?"
     "I don't like the idea of having all of the decisions I make dictate whether someone lives or dies. Awhile ago, due to some poor decisions and a betrayal of one of my companions, a former group I had all ended up dying except for me."
     "Well, you sure are building up your group," she said in a sarcastic tone. "Why in the world should I stay with you guys?"
     "So we're not perfect. Why don't we get off the subject of my group and talk about you; if you're so great, why are you looking into joining up with other survivors?"
     She appeared a little phased by the question. "For security."
     "What? Can't protect yourself?" I asked tauntingly.
     "I can defend myself fine. Watch!"
     Evie stood up and drew a throwing knife slowly, showing it to me and then threw it at a far off tree. It hit it and sunk into the bark. Her skill and speed were impressive. I drew a knife of my own, a thin pocket knife, showing it to her and threw it at the same tree. It hit the tree a little bit lower than her's, but it sunk in as well.
     "So you have some skill with throwing knives. So do I. I noticed you don't have a gun though." She gave me a look that told me she thought I was a jerk. "How long do you think it'll be before your staring down the barrel of a gun and all you'll have is a knife?"
     "I've looked out for myself just fine up until now. I don't need you or your friends," she said very firmly.
     "No, but you need what we have to offer. We have food, supplies, guns, and people; all the things that could make your life easier and I know you understand just how vulnerable you are when you're by yourself."
     "I have Sam with me," was her response.
     "Oh, and what's he going to do. Lick your enemies to death." I knelt down to look at Sam. I noticed that he never looks at me for very long. I even stared directly at him and waved my hand in front of his field of vision. It would only distract him for a moment before he went back to whatever he was doing. It was as if to him, I wasn't even there. I stood back up to end my argument with her.
     "One thing I can say about this group is that we don't leave friends behind. If any one of them were in trouble, I'd go and help them, even if what stood in my way meant certain death. Can you say that about anyone you ever knew."
     She'd been avoiding eye contact with me for a while. She sat down and looked at Sam while I went to get our knives. When I returned, I heard her mumble the words, "I'll stay for the time being at least."
     It was good enough for me. From there, I answered her other questions about the group and I got around to asking about her past and where she got Sam. I listened intently, but I can't remember what she or I said very well so I'm not going to write down a half true story (I'm surprised I remembered as much of our conversation as I did. First impressions I guess). It started to get dark so we headed back to camp. One thing she said to me was troubling though. She asked something along the lines of "Are you sure Mike is alright?" Well, he's sick so no, but maybe she meant something else, perhaps on his mental state.
     Well, I think it would be good to have her with us. Unlike the others, she seems to have combat skills and probably has a lot more to offer though I didn't ask if she could even use a gun. If that's the case, I guess tomorrow is training day!

- Jack's Diary

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Evie's Diary- Leader?- Day 53

 Summing up yesterday...
He shook my hand. "Victor," he said.  He was still looking at me curiously, which made me unsettled. Maybe I've just been alone too long. I picked up Sam, who promptly snuggled into the crook of my arm and fell asleep. "You alone? Thought I heard others" I said, thinking conversation might smooth the awkwardness of the situation. "There's a group of us," he replied. Saw him glance over the large backpack I was carrying. Tightened my grip on the strap instinctively. "You should join us," he said simply. The ease with which this offer was extended left me suspicious. Wondered what the motivations behind it were. "Where I go, Sam goes," I said. He nodded. "Come on then," he said, turned abruptly, and walked back the direction he had come from. I followed, but my free hand that wasn't holding Sam, played with the hilt of my knife. Not sure this guy had the authority to just let me join; not sure what the reactions of the others would be. When we walked into camp, those who saw us stopped what they were doing immediately, hands went to weapons, eyes never left us. Victor walked on as though nothing had happened. I wanted to stop, count how many people there were, look at possible exit routes, but he led me straight into a tent.  A girl was sitting beside an unconscious man. "Julie this is Evelyn Rider. She is joining our group," he said with a finality. "I see Mike is still out. Has he woken up at all? Is his fever down?" he inquired. "No to both, but he has been murmuring in his sleep", she said with a sigh. I looked this Mike guy over. He was sweating profusely, skin looked clammy and pale, lymph nodes were swollen, and despite the overwhelming stench of the sewers, I thought I noticed the feint smell of decaying flesh. His clothes were sticking to him. I don't know these people I reminded myself. No obligations to them yet. For reasons I still don't understand I handed Sam to Julie, "Please hold him for a moment." She eagerly took him and began stroking his ears. Set my backpack down and opened it. I pulled out a bottle. "This is ibuprofen", I said as both Victor and Julie watched me intently. I handed two of the pills to Victor. "Give him one now. If the fever hasn't broken in the next four to six hours give him another. You will have to help him get it down. Keep him hydrated. Also, don't tell him I was the one who gave him medicine." With that I reached for Sam. Julie gave him to me, but she looked sad to let him go. She reminds me of someone... I left the three of them inside the tent. I trust they can follow my instructions. I know I should have done it myself, but... I sit down just outside the tent. Watch the others go about their work, eyeing me as they pass.
Today...
 Long hours passed. Finally, I heard Julie greet Mike as he woke up. I heard my name mentioned and I forced myself to go inside. I tried to greet him. He stopped me, telling me he's sick. Asked a few security questions. Understandable, times aren't what they once were. He made it clear he wanted both Julie and me to leave. A few minutes later Mike came out, another man ran up to him, reported that there were approaching male strangers. We packed up camp in a hurry. Mike asked if I could be useful. I told him, "We'll see." Truthfully, I am a deadly accurate knife thrower, but don't want to give away my skill set yet.  Mike asked me to relay his signals to the rest of the group. I can follow instructions with the best of them, but I thought he wasn't being cautious enough. I was right. They ended up attacking us. Mike and another guy took them out. But I was angry. Angry that Mike was naive enough to turn his back on strangers and led the group into danger. I asked him, "What was that?!" I wanted to know what the heck he had been thinking. I think my meaning was misinterpreted because the other guy responded, "That's how we do things around here if there's someone threatening our friends." Julie said I'd get used to it. I am used to it. I wasn't talking about how we barely managed to survive a gun fight that by all rights we should have lost, putting our back to them like that. I was talking about the poor leadership skills that put us in the situation to begin with. I will keep my mouth shut for the time being. I understand that Mike is ill, I believe this maybe effecting his ability to lead. Should I leave now, if this is how the group is managed? I will not allow Sam to die because of someone else's poor choices. I was standing still in these thoughts when Mike yelled back at me, "You stay with us, you survive. You stay still you're dead." I found this almost humorous as he was the one that had almost gotten me killed to begin with. Also, they don't know that I have survived on my own this whole time. I am more than capable. Mike was unable to go on after this confrontation. He had us make camp where we are.  I think there is more going on with his illness that he has let on. I noticed while I was walking behind him earlier a darkened spot on his sling. If he was bitten or scratched by a zombie he would already be exhibiting signs. I had been pacing back and forth in thought. I looked up to see Mike asleep with a book open on his lap. No one was watching. Made my way over, leaned over him, read over his shoulder the last paragraph he had written before passing out. So, I thought there was more to his illness. Why would he be hiding it? There must be more to it than not wanting the others to worry. He will die if it isn't treated soon. So, maybe he wants to die? I don't know. I have the ability to remove the bullet from his shoulder, if it hasn't shattered. But should I? What I do know is that information is power. I must be careful how I handle the situation.

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Evie's Diary- Introductions- Day 52

3 am
I woke perspiring, heart racing, tears streaming down my face.  The nightmares are getting worse.  The remnants of each day and the past bleed into my dreams.  I just want to go home.  I want life to be the way it used to be, when my biggest problem was trying to get a roomful of squirming kindergarteners to sit still.  Stop it!  That kind of drivel won't help us.  Sam, my German Shepherd puppy, is sleeping with his head on my chest.  The rhythmic sound of breathing calms my harried nerves.
5:30 am
I lay still for another few hours to let him rest.  But it's time to get up; we have work to do.  Sam whimpered a little as I gently stroked him awake.  Heard his stomach rumble; fed him the last of the jerky.  I'm not hungry anyway...
8 am
Back from scavenging.  Found enough food to get through another day.  We still have enough water and some medicine.  I packed up the campsite, tried to erase any sign of our being there, and set off.  Need to join up with a group soon.  Our luck, by ourselves, will only last so long.  Fifty-two days on our own so far, with more near-disasters than I like to remember. The first three groups we tracked, after watching for a while, I decided were better left alone.  Sam growled all the whole time we were trailing them. Puppy growls aren't very intimidating, but I trust his instincts.  We ran across a fourth group a week ago, and Sam didn't get upset while we trailed them.  I approached them after the fifth day.  They said they would take me, but not Sam.  They saw him as a liability.  I won't leave him, so we went on our way.   We've been heading north; maybe we will find  another group soon. 
4 pm
The highway up ahead was blocked off.  Why would it be blocked off?  Sam and I wandered aimlessly a bit.  I wasn't sure what to do.  It's so hard to think straight on so little sleep.  Suddenly spotted a whole herd of walkers headed our way. There was no where to go, unless we went back the way we came, and there is nothing for us there.  I made a decision based on pure panic. There was no way I could take on a whole herd by myself and protect Sam.  I picked up my puppy and crawled into the sewer.  The smell!  I retched.
Sometime Later Who Knows When...
Sam hates it down here. I hate it down here.  He stays right by my side. I'm not sure how long we have been walking.  Guess it really doesn't matter.   I heard indistinct voices, then cursing up ahead. Other people are down here. We follow the sounds slowly. I reached inside my belt and pulled out my favorite throwing knife. Suddenly a figure, a man, walks out of the semi-darkness. We raise our weapons at the exact same time.  Great.  I've brought a knife to a gun fight. We stand there locked in a sort of shaky stale-mate.  Why doesn't he pull the trigger? I expected him to call out to whoever else was in his group. But he didn't.  He just stood there staring at me. Why?  Before I have a chance to decide what to do, Sam bolts out from behind me and gallops up to the man, leaping on him and licking all over him.  I held my breath.  "Please don't hurt my dog", I said, voice shaking.  I hate it when my voice does that, like I'm some useless feeble female.  I'm not feeble, not frail, not soft - except when it comes to Sam.  He's the only good thing I have left.   I lowered my knife slowly, took a shuddering breath, and met his gaze directly.  With a confidence I didn't feel, I made my way over to him, stuck out my hand and said "I'm Evelyn Rider."

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